LDS DIVORCED WOMEN SURVEY RESULTS 2012/19: The Dynamics of Divorce in an LDS home from the Women's Perspective

THE DYNAMICS OF DIVORCE FROM THE WOMEN'S PERSPECTIVE

Over the major part of 2012 and 2013, divorced members of the LDS faith participated in a multi-national survey. Respondents included members residing in the U.S., Europe, the British Isles, New Zealand, and Canada, the majority of input coming from Utah, California, and Idaho. This is the survey for LDS Divorced Women.

QUESTIONS 1-45

WHO WAS THE PARTNER TO FILE FOR THE DIVORCE?

The Wife..................................................................................................71.4%
The Husband...........................................................................................17.7%
Joint Decision..........................................................................................10.9

2. WHAT WERE THE REASONS FOR THE DIVORCE?

Abuse: emotional, physical, sexual, verbal, isolation, control, etc............60.2%
Infidelity...................................................................................................56.5%
Addiction: porn, pedophilia, drugs, alcohol, money, sex, etc...................44.7%
Personality Disorders: bi-polar, depression, narcissism, sociopathic, etc..37.9%
Finances: no job, not enough money, controlling, etc..............................24.8%
Same Sex Attraction..................................................................................5.6%

3. HOW MANY YEARS WERE YOU MARRIED?

Less than one year...................................................................................11.8%
Between one and five years.....................................................................33.5%
Between six and ten years........................................................................29.4%
Between eleven and twenty years............................................................20.6%
Between twenty one and forty years..........................................................4.7%
More than forty years.................................................................................0.6%

4. HOW MANY YEARS DID YOU STAY IN THE MARRIAGE WHILE IT WAS "BAD?"

Less than a year.....................................................................................11.8%
Between one and five years...................................................................33.5%
Between six and ten years......................................................................29.4%
Between eleven and twenty years..........................................................20.6%
Between twenty one and forty years........................................................4.7%
More than forty years...............................................................................0.0%

5. ONCE YOU REALIZED THAT YOU WERE IN A "BAD" MARRIAGE, IF YOU WAITED TO GET OUT, WHAT WERE THE REASONS FOR WAITING?

The children..............................................................................................51.8%
Finances (couldn't afford an attorney or to survive on my own)...............26.5%
Fear of Abuse............................................................................................14.1%
Fear of other's reactions.........................................................................17.1%
No support.................................................................................................17.1%
Tried to work on fixing the marriage..........................................................68.2%

88.2% OF LDS WOMEN WAITED MANY YEARS BEFORE FILING

Other....................................................................................................32.4%

COMMENTS ON WHY THEY WAITED :

The number one most common answer was "Because it was a Temple marriage."
The second most common answer was "I feared he would take the children."
The third most common; "I stayed until Heavenly Father told me I could go."
Fourth; "I did not realize that there was a problem until I found out he was cheating."
"I wanted to try counseling first."
"Fear in general."
"Health problems."
"He owed me a large sum of money."
"I was getting an education so I could support my kids."
"I was pregnant."
"I didn't want to get out."
"I was brainwashed into thinking it was my fault."
"I was advised by my leaders to wait until HE asked for divorce."
"I was pressured by my church leadership not to leave him, even though he was repeatedly cheating on me."
"I was too busy taking care of everybody, I kept giving him chances to improve and get a job."
"I didn't realize how "bad" it was for a long time, I just thought the more righteous I was, or the harder I worked on our marriage, then it would work out. Agency exists......"
"Stupidity."
"The Church looked down on it."
"I had no resources for help."
"I had low self-esteem and no self confidence."
"Fear of retaliation."
"It took a few months to realize I could not fix his lifelong pattern of lying, sexual addiction, bisexual behaviors, and dishonesty."
"Fear of the unknown, not feeling prepared, hoped it would get better, questioned myself if it was the right thing to do."
"Fear of failure."
"Fear of the court system in a 'man's world.'"

6. HOW LARGE OF A TRIAL WAS THIS FOR YOU?

The worst trial of my life.....................................65.7%
A definite trial, but I've had worse.......................30.3%
Not a big deal........................................................4.0%
A delightful experience.........................................0.0%

7. DID YOU EVER HAVE THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE OR RUNNING

AWAY DURING THE DIVORCE?

No, not ever..........................................................56.1%
Suicide...................................................................11.0%
Running away........................................................13.3%
Both suicide and running away..............................19.7%

8. WHAT WERE THE AGES OF YOUR CHILDREN (if any) WHEN

GOING THROUGH THE DIVORCE?

Infants....................................................................17.8%
Toddlers/Preschool.................................................30.7%
Elementary school ages...........................................51.5%
Jr. High School.......................................................41.1%
High School............................................................45.4%
Young Adults/College............................................24.5%
Married/Older Single Adults...................................12.9%

9. DURING THE DIVORCE I:

Kept my emotions to myself putting on a brave

front.....................................................................32.6%

Showed my emotions to close associates only......48.6%
Was free with my emotions..................................13.7%
Withdrew from society and kept to myself...........22.3%
Clung to friends and family for support...............36.6%

10. WHAT WERE THE RESULTS FROM THIS APPROACH?

I had a hard time with this. I wanted so much to be understood & supported. I have an awesome family, friends, and ward who buoyed me up a lot. I struggled with deep depression for my loss. I realized that in some ways death (being widowed) was more socially acceptable. At least that way there wasn't a big huge rejection sign that went with it & people would have been more understanding about taking a little time off of work to deal with it.
At times, it helped to withdraw. It's hard for people to understand what I was and am going through. My friends and family were a huge support. Couldn't do it without them. In the beginning it was hard to keep my emotions in check, it's getting easier.
Other people always wanted details
Depression, anxiety, eventually fibromyalgia
pain and isolation, loneliness
I felt like I was in prison.
Having a close friend to hash out my feelings made it easier!
Low self-esteem
Support from family, rejection from Priesthood Leaders, Mixed reactions from friends.
I felt very alone

A lot of emotional support when I was brave enough to reach out. Many times I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems though.
It brought me closer to some people. Some people abused the trust and made it harder for me to trust people.
Survival with some sanity intact.
It kept me positive. It was necessary due to being a new nursing mom.
got support from people, but some people thought it was too much.
It was helpful to have someone I really trusted to talk to about everything and allowed me to have day-to-day interactions with other people without being a complete mess.
I gained emotional maturity and learned temperance.
I hid everything until my ex moved out to have more free time with his girlfriend. When that happened, I began telling people closest to me that he was having an affair. I wanted to protect my husband. I didn't want my family to think ill of him or to judge me for choosing him. It turns out, they were very supportive and I wish I'd talked to them earlier- not that it would have saved the marriage, but I would have been able to draw from their strength those three months that I knew about the affair before he moved out.
Being alone was hard, but putting my trust in the Lord and a few close friends was beneficial. I didn't feel like I needed to blast my ex-spouse in public.
I'm still withdrawn somewhat, and I don't trust people very much. I don't open myself emotionally to many people.
became inactive in church due to prejudices expressed by priesthood leaders who did not have the skills to handle the situation when I sought help
Great support from family and church, some difficulties coping with the change and with my own self-worth.

people didn't know what was going on & probably though I just walked out on a good marriage because they didn't know what my life was really like
I learned to cling to the Lord.
Disastrous... Most people in my life (which was 99% LDS church) couldn't handle me being "real." Not pretty.
Had a breakdown after 2 years
I allowed myself to feel and feel and feel in hopes to get all the feelings out! It worked.
I tried all three of the above marked methods. Nobody knows what happened and how it affects you and your children but the Lord. I turned to him for help and guidance. I needed answers that were the best for me.
I now have no close friends
Needed therapy.
Im still here
I recieved wonderful and wise council from those who had been through a divorce and felt love from so many who really cared for me. By only sharing with those who I trusted I insulated myself from those who would critize me and gossip about me. I counciled with my bishop and a trusted therapist and my Heavenly Father. I drew strength from them when making the hardest decision on my life.

There were hundreds more comments that fell along the same themes. I think you get the idea. It's a hard game to play alone.

11. DID YOUR MARRIAGE EFFECT YOUR HEALTH?

Very Much………………………………………..46.9%
Somewhat………………………………….……..39.4%
Not at all…………………………………...……..13.7%

12. WHAT WAS YOUR CHILDREN'S REACTION?

Anger at you………………………...………..17.0%
Anger at your spouse…………………………23.0%
Anger at both you and your spouse……..........18.8%
Became distant, moody, kept to themselves….24.2%
Became rebellious, got into trouble……..........24.8%
Grades dropped in school, participation in activities dropped…………………………......................26.7%

Stopped going to church…………………..….23.6%
Gained or significant weight loss……………....9.1%
Started experimenting with drugs/alcohol…....12.7%
Ran away from home…………………………..5.5%
Took sides with one of the parents…………...18.2%
No changes at all……………………...………..4.8%
They were glad for the change……………......29.1%
They improved their attitudes and happiness...18.2%
They began to thrive………………………….18.2%

Other……...................................................…31%

A Small Sampling of the "Other" Comments:

my youngest (during the age of 4-6) digressed with potty training00bed wetting and then peeing pants during the day
3 children all different reactions. But he placed blame on me continually because I moved out after he and his daughter beat me again, and found myself in bed for three days from the physical pain that came from it. it has taken a lot to teach my son that it is not ok to hit girls. and now he has taken the children from me.
Sad that we both weren't around.
hard to separate from ill effects from a hostile parent
Required some therapy for years of abuse
one stopped going to church, little contact with either of us, moved in with boyfriend...the other thrived, went to church even though his dad didn't & is now on a mission
My youngest son expressed to me several years after the divorce that he wanted to have a "normal" family like everyone else in the church. (he was 14 at the time)
5 kids... One thrived, two rebelled, two became happier/ more at peace.
mproved t first, angry and rebellious as teenagers, stopped going to church as teenagers
My toddler couldn't understand why her Daddy went away and it did effect her with him being gone. Sleeplessness, looking for vehicles that looked like his, sadness when other kid were playing with their dads. It was as teenagers and young adults that there were mixed changes. I never bad mouthed him. He was just sporadic in their life. They at least didn't have to be on a yoyo of if he was there or not. He was not but at least it was a known factor. I believe having his influence and habits out of their lives let them thrive and gave them a chance at happiness. It was as teens that they started to question him and be angry and act out at his not being there, the excuses he gave, and his behaviors. He still isn't much a part of their life, but they both took many years and worked through their anger and put it aside.
After the "mourning" period was over, perhaps as much as a year, my youngest son who is still at home did much better. Our home was peaceful and free from the contention of a dying marriage. He has expressed his gratitude for this, though having his parents separated is still hard for him.
Felt completely rejected Luke they had done something to cause it. "why can't a dad just love me"
The children who lived with us weren't surprised-they'd seen us falling apart for years. The one who was the most shocked was the married one who didn't see the day to day non-interaction between my spouse and I.
we sought counseling, which helped the second-grader
All five were newly wed saw our marriage as basically ideal because of the dishonesty and secrecy of my spouse, my kids especially the youngest who had only been married a few months and was looking at our marriage as the kind of marriage he wanted
My daughter completely fell apart and felt betrayed by church members, some of it justified, some of it not.
It made them grow up faster than they should have to, but made it through ok, maybe a little more responsible than if he hadn't had to go through the pain of tearing their hearts in two. The youngest (5 at the time) still struggles with issues since we were pretty involved in the divorce instead of in raising him.
Sadness, depression.
More confusion and hurt, than anger. The youngest was too young... The oldest blamed me because I was the one to move them away.
They were relieved.
They went through stages. They are mature, capable, and accountable individuals because of the experience.
BECAME MORE ACTIVE IN CHURCH, NOTHING CHANGED AT HOME SINCE I WAS TAKING CARE OF THE KIDS ALREADY 100%
THEY GANGED UP ON ME WITH THEIR FATHER BECAUSE I DIDN'T TELL THEM WHY I WAS LEAVING HIM, SO HE MADE STUFF UP AGAINST ME
More insecurity and emotional. They put on brave faces but struggled privately
THEY FELT I DESERVED BETTER
one daughter became gay. At least he told the children the truth of his affairs & lies, they were very angry, felt betrayed (he was in the bishopric), and were very supportive of me.

CHILDREN CASUALTIES OF DISCORD IN MARRIAGES

13. WHEN DID YOUR DIVORCE TAKE PLACE?

Within a year ago……………………………….8.7%
Within the last five years………………………38.2%
Six to ten years ago…………....……………….23.7%
More than eleven years ago………..…………..29.5%

14. HOW SET WERE YOU FINANCIALLY AFTER THE DIVORCE?

Very well……………………….……………….3.4%
Satisfactory……………………….……………21.3%
Barely surviving…………………………...…..55.7%
No help at all……………………….…………..17.8%
I had to help him………………………...………1.7%

15.A-WERE YOU "ACTIVE" IN THE CHURCH AT THE TIME OF THE DIVORCE?

Yes……………………………………………91.4%
No……………………………………….……..8.6%

B-WERE YOU "ACTIVE" AFTER THE DIVORCE?

Yes……………………………………………13.8%
Yes but had to change wards…………………16.4%
No…………………………………………..…69.8%

16. HOW DID THE WARD/STAKE REACT TO THE NEWS OF

YOUR DIVORCE?

Stood behind and rallied around you for support,

very compassionate.................................................................52.9%

backed away, treated you differently, acted uncomfortable

around you, or disappeared.....................................................38.2%

judged you, gossiped about you, placed blame on you

regardless of "fault".................................................................27.6%

obvious and outward disdain...................................................12.4%
no reaction, no change.............................................................17.1%

OFT TIMES DIVORCED MEMBERS FEEL LIKE THE ELEPHANT IN THE CROWD

17. HOW MUCH INFORMATION DID YOU LET OUT ABOUT

YOUR DIVORCE?

I didn't tell anyone anything........................................................6.4%
I only told my bishop.................................................................31.2%
I only told close associates.........................................................63.0%
I told anyone who was interested...............................................22.5%
I told everybody who would listen..............................................6.4%

DIVORCE IS A HEAVY BURDEN TO CARRY ALONE

18. IF YOU CONFIDED IN YOUR BISHOP, WHAT KIND OF

SUPPORT DID YOU RECEIVE?

He was very supportive, checked on you regularly...................52.1%
He was clearly against the divorce..............................................3.6%
He did not get involved, stayed away from it.............................12.6%
Other...........................................................................................31.7%

A SMALL SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

supportive but didn't check in much
Never heard from him
Angry and judgemental towards me
I went to my Stake President who was super supportive.
He believed my ex and was not supportive of me
what a joke! no emotional support what so ever
checked on sometimes
He was supportive. The Relief Society checked on me daily for a month because my ex got custody of our three sons. It was heartwrenching having my kids taken away from me. I pay him child support.
he was supportive of the divorce once my ex moved his mistress in with him and she began attending church with him...my same ward.
He wanted me to carry on trying to fix an abusive relationship (abuse included my children).
He was clearly against me, blamed me for exe's behavior.
My bishops have been very supportive, but his bishops believe anything he tells them. I only make one call to a bishop after he moves, just to let them know what is going on. One even gave him $30,000 cash after my ex-husband defaulted on his share of our debts and forced my home into foreclosure.
he was assigned by the Stake President to be his special home teacher while mine didn't come at all.
COMPASSIONATE, BUT ACTED DIFFERENTLY AROUND ME.
The bishop was uninvolved. The stake president was very disdainful
Supportive, but had no training with how to deal with sexual addiction of my spouse. The church's 12 step program doesn't have a support anon program.
I didn't expect him to be able to "fix" the problem, so only shared when he asked direct questions
He helped me financially as well as emotional support. He was a great counselor, exactly what I needed. It hurt to know that my controlling ex was bad for me, but he made me finally realize it.
My bishop was amazing handling some very delicate situations and requests from my ex to "command me to receive a different answer"
He said he would help and after meeting with my then husband, who was very sly and cunning, he did nothing. I told him I was afraid for my safety and then he ignored me and stood behind my now ex.
at first was very supportive, he came over once and said he would check on me every week, never heard from him again.

19. DID YOUR WARD/STAKE CALLING CHANGE DURING/AFTER YOUR DIVORCE?

Yes..............................................................................................................47.9%
No................................................................................................................52.1%

20. IF YOUR CALLING WAS CHANGED, WHAT IS YOUR OPINION OF THE

REASONING BEHIND THE CHANGE?

He was trying to lower your stress level...............................................25.3%
He was fearful that you might talk about your divorce........................9.5%
He was fearful that you might be dangerous to others

marriages....................................................................................................8.4%

It was inspired............................................................................................8.4%
Other...........................................................................................................66.3%

A SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

When my ex threw me and 4 children out in the middle of the night, my parents came and got us and took us to their home 45 min away. i never heard from anyone in the ward again.
I desperately needed support and to build friendships because I had been so isolated during my marriage. Then the Bishop isolated me from the ward
I requested to be released
he was very critical and judgemental of me, even though he is the one who called the police on my abusive relationship
I was not a role model he wanted others to look up to.
went inactive
only because I moved out of the ward & stake i had been in...my new ward put me in a leadership position (they were very supportive)
He was punishing me for not being quiet about what was going on.
he told me I had enough to deal with
I moved. I taught seminary. I love teaching seminary. I knew if I had a divorce I wouldn't be able to teach again. The marriage was bad enough that I went ahead with the divorce knowing I probably would not be able to teach seminary again.
I was Relief Society President. Stake President insisted.
I STOPPED ATTENDING
I moved from the area
I asked to be released because I was a mess.
Feared I might be a bad influence on the young women
I became the Primary President! Bishop said it was truly inspired. He wouldn't have done that to me at that time.
Needed to go to work and spend time with my kids

21. IF YOU LEFT YOUR SPOUSE BECAUSE OF HIS INFIDELITY, ADDICTIONS, OR OTHER

CRIMES AGAINST THE PRINCIPLES OF THE CHURCH, WAS YOUR SPOUSE BROUGHT

BEFORE A CHURCH COUNSEL/COURT?

Yes.................................................................................................................24.2%
No...................................................................................................................75.8%

22. IF YOUR SPOUSE COMMITTED A MORAL CRIME AGAINST THE PRINCIPLES OF THE

CHURCH, WHAT IS HIS PRESENT STANDING?

Active but holds no callings........................................................................4.3%
Active but on church probation..................................................................0.7%
Active and has callings...............................................................................19.9%
Active and holds high positions in church leadership............................2.1%
Inactive...........................................................................................................36.2%
Excommunicated or disfellowshipped......................................................18.4%
Other................................................................................................................34.0%

A SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

I am unaware of his standing in the church. If he's still a member, he never attends. He is now totally against the Church.
Holds a recommend, but owes me 20k...and sexually desires kids..
Unsure because of protective order against him, no contact
He removed his name from the records
but interestingly enough he was disfellowshipped first, then excommunicated later, then rebaptized without any input from me then excommunicated again
non member
He joined another church
Also kept his job at byu 2 bishops signed his ecclesiastical endorsemen, and one renewed his temple recommend
Committed suicide 3 months after the divorce
He sings in the Tabernacle Choir and has been in jail twice for criminal non-support. The court still calls him in every 3 months. And he owes me $35,000.
Was aloud to be re-married in the temple

"...STUDIES SHOW IN THE NEAR FUTURE HALF OF THOSE NOW MARRIED WILL BE DIVORCED."

PRESIDENT GORDON B. HINCKLEY, Sept. 26, 1998

24. WERE YOUR HOME-TEACHERS CHANGED

DURING/AFTER YOUR DIVORCE?

No change..................................................39.2%
Yes, to a couple of very helpful brethren....4.8%
Yes, to an "older" brother............................8.4%
Yes, to a married couple..............................9.0%
Other....Comments......................................38.6%

A SMALL SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

NUMBER ONE ANSWER: Had some occasionally before, but haven't had any since.
NUMBER TWO ANSWER: Yes, because I moved.
to a secret service agent and his 12 year old son. My daughter and I don't feel comfortable asking for blessing with his son there. I don't feel I can ever discuss any real concerns I have in front of a 12 year old boy
Changed to the Bishop
Yes, twice, and they both only came once and tried to tell me to not get divorced.
Home teacher was instructed to not speak about what was happening/ what had happened. Was also instructed to not do anything for me or my children that their father had previously done. No blessings, household help, no service projects.
I moved, but was assigned High Priests as they are over the widowed and divorced. Or I think they are. When my son was in his teens they assigned from the Elders Quorum as I had asked for someone who had a good report with teens and could be a good example for him.
yes, and then I asked for my old home teachers
My bishop and his wife were my home and visiting teachers, and they were the best thing that could have happened durimg the divorce.
I was able to have them for the first time
I had a great home teacher whose companion was changed.
A FREQUENT ANSWER: My HT were changed frequently. The bishop did not trust single sisters not to become inappropriate with HT.
I asked for different home teachers.
To a bishopric member who was aware of the delicate circumstances
Never was visited again, I was told that they would be changing him because "a married man could not visit a single woman", but never saw a home teacher again.
I went from having a member of the bishopric (before divorce) to the oldest man (in his late 80's) in the ward (after divorce). Every month he preached to me that a woman had no right to leave a man, for any reason. I stopped letting him come.

25. DID YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR HOME-TEACHERS

WERE HELPFUL?

Yes, very supportive and compassionate.......28.9%
Somewhat.......................................................28.3%
Not at all.........................................................16.9%
Never came.....................................................25.3%
Other....comments..........................................10.8%

A SMALL SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

never had any. still dont to this day.
I really needed help cleaning out the house and getting rid of stuff. They did help me move, though.
Felt like I had the plague. Just because I don't have a man doesn't mean I want yours.
Depended on the year and ward.
Didn't feel comfortable having them come to my home.
He was in the bishopric and very supportive
I kept the same home teachers until a month ago. They'd ask every month if there was something they could do to help. The one thing I needed/asked help with (weeding my yard) was never addressed.
Had a great spiritually in-tuned HT after the divorce but then they moved and it has been spotty at best since or non-existant. Before/during the divorce the HT withdrew but helped somewhat behind the scenes as he could with one son..

26. WERE YOUR VISITING TEACHERS CHANGED

DURING/AFTER YOUR DIVORCE?

Yes.................................................................41.8%
No..................................................................58.2%

27. HOW WERE YOUR VISITING TEACHERS

DURING/AFTER THE DIVORCE?

Very helpful, supportive, compassionate,

visited me regularly.......................................41.8%

Somewhat helpful, irregular visits.................22.9%
Not helpful.......................................................7.6%
Did not ever come..........................................15.3%
Other.....comments..........................................12.4%

A SMALL SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

what visiting teachers? haven't had any for the whole time i have lived here for 7 years except maybe 3 times
My Visiting Teachers stepped it up a notch and took me to lunch once a month to give their extra support
I don't remember who my visiting teachers were, but my Relief Society president was amazing!
Her mother had been thru a very similar situation, so she was great!!! Bishop didn't know that she was supportive, tho. She was told to not talk about my life with me. She disregarded that instruction.
One dropped out
My visiting teachers are still rocks for me. Even if they can't make it over for a visit (both our schedules can be crazy) I at least get a call. When I do ask for help, they're there!
Was able to have them for the first time, they were supportive
my visiting teacher of 12 years stopped calling or coming to visit
I ran into one while I was moving. She was very cold and hurtful. Very rude.
Not after the divorce, I felt I had to move from the ward, the next ward was good about sending them though.

VISITING TEACHERS CAN BE A GREAT SUPPORT SO SUFFERING SISTERS

28. ARE/WERE YOU INTERESTED IN ANY OF THE

MARRIED MEN IN YOUR WARD/STAKE?

No, and I'm insulted that anyone would think that

of me.................................................................79.1%

Possibly, if he is good looking............................0.6%
Maybe, if he is interested....................................1.2%
Absolutely, I am hunting for my new partner among

the married men in my ward/stake.....................0.0%

Other.....comments.............................................19.2%

A SMALL SAMPLE OF THE "OTHER" COMMENTS:

Has never crossed my mind.
i was attracted to some of them, especially because of the way they treated their wives, but I knew I could not follow through on the attractions. I would never do that to another woman.
Absolutely NOT. I refuse to go down that road. I'm careful to make sure that that I even avoid the appearance of it. That would be morally wrong. And, from a practical stand point, I don't want someone in my life who would leave his wife to be with someone else.
none
I am not hunting married men
Not something I would even consider, why would you?
NO! Marriage is sacred. I wouldn't inflict pain on anyone elses marriage. Honoring marriage covenants includes my own and anyone else's.
Yes and I made sure I stayed away from him, since I think he was attracted to me too. Attraction happens but you don't have to act on it.
My answer is no.But I'm not insulted by the question. Yes I notice good looking guys, but I realize that love & longer lasting attraction is a choice. I'm not about to break up someone else's family. I won't date anyone who is not legally divorced already & I'm not talking to them before they are either. I have been asked this question plenty with my profession as a massage therapist. I struggle with thoughts a little bit, but then the spirit taught me that it had nothing to do with the attractive person in front of me & everything to do with me missing that emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy. It's called mourning.
ughhh never!
What in the heck does this question mean??? No, I am not prowling after married men in my ward or stake. Do I know wonderful men in the ward and stake, who help me believe there are still decent LDS men out there? Absolutely!
Most of the divorced men over 50 don't have a recommend and sleep around..they also are in debt and don't seem to hold a job...very very slim pickings. I would rather date a non member
I joined LDSSingles.com
No! Not insulted just saddened by the thought of this needing to be asked...

THERE IS AN FALSE STIGMA ATTACHED TO DIVORCED WOMEN

THEY NO LONGER HAVE A HUSBAND, SO NOW THEY WILL WANT YOURS....

QUESTIONS 29-36

29. LOOKING BACK, HOW WOULD YOU HAVE DONE THINGS

DIFFERENTLY DURING/AFTER THE DIVORCE?

A SMALL SAMPLE OF "COMMENTS:"

Number one most frequent answer: "I would have left him much sooner," "Should have got divorced long ago." "I would have done it as quickly as possible and not doubted my own feelings. I would have been more assertive and not worried about what other people thought." "I would have filed the minute I learned of his astounding dishonesty." "I was a co-dependent personality at the time. I am much stronger now and would not have put up with his nonsense for so long." "I SHOULD HAVE LEFT SOONER WHEN I FOUND OUT HE WAS CHEATING ON ME. WHEN I FOUND OUT HE WAS MOLESTING MY DAUGHTER I FINALLY TOOK THE STEP."
Number two answer: "I wish I would have confided in fewer people. No matter how much you try to explan what is going on people aren't satisfied and just want more information. There are still aspects of the marriage/divorce that people can't understand and that is ok." " I would not have been as open with friends who were gossipy." "I would have kept my feelings to myself instead of sharing with the kids." "kept my mouth shut."
Number three answer: "Tried to find some sort of emotional support, would have tried to find ways to get myself and my children therapy and the help we needed." "Would have actively sought out more support from Church." "Let myself be helped more." "I think maybe I should have had more weekly interviews with my leaders to talk about things. I didn't feel like they knew what was going on. I felt alone." "I SUFFERED ALONE AND IN SILENCE LONG BEFORE ANYONE KNEW. I WAS AFRAID AND HAD NO REASON TO BE. NO ONE SHOULD BE ASHAMED TO ASK FOR HELP FROM ANYONE. I THINK HAD I ASKED SOONER, I WOULD HAVE HEALED SOONER." "i would have gone to the stake president with some things WAY before the divorce. In my opinion this may have changed everything." "I would have sought counseling myself sooner," "Made sure the Bishop, who is a life line checked in with me every two weeks so that I am accountable to someone in making improvements, counceling, finding work, needed an advisor/cheerleader with no family in the State to help.Need Bishop to keep me in Relief Society, need the women contact & gospel.Bishops need to understand it is a death of the life we know and sometimes we feel immoble because of so many changes. Not make me feel worst when I had to ask for help with finances when things got so tough, just the anxiety and stress of worry was such a heavey load so the Bishop needs to be more understanding & kinder." "I would have asked for better church support with VT, HT and insisted my kids had mentors.... they got lost despite me asking for help from the bishop for my son to be paired with a priesthood father figure."
Number four answer: "I would never have married him in the first place because there were red flags."
Number five answer: "Save money away for attorneys fees, etc. Closed joint credit card accounts. Opened personal credit card accounts and established my own credit. I wish I had more information about what was a fair settlement. He made out much better than I did." "I would have been wiser with my finances. I did not save enough and am now in very tight circumstances. I wish I would have prepared better for this financially." "I would have saved money ahead so that I'd have a softer place to land. I wouldn't have given in so easily (I just wanted to be done & didn't want to deal with it anymore). I regret not standing up for myself & the long-term best interest of my children. It's a mess & now I have to pay more to fix it legally." "I would have made sure I had more money and a job when I got divorced." "I would have sued him for the money he owes me, wanted to believe that he would actually do the right thing."
Number six answer: "I woud not have so quickly married again to the person I married." " I should not have jumped into a second marriage. It was a disaster." " I was very vulnerable after and too quick to enter another relationship, desperately looking for a happy marriage." "I remarried but we are no longer married."
Number seven answer: "I would research for a better attorney" " I WISH I'D LISTENED TO FREE ATTY LEGAL ADVICE: GET HIS WAGES ATTACHED," "I would have gotten a lawyer." "Smarter about making sure I got fair share of assets instead of letting courts decide."
Number eight answer: "It would have been nice to not have to move. That was hard. But I think leaving my ward of 14 years was really best. Then I could completely start over." "I wish I could have stayed in my ward. I had been there 12 years, but I no longer felt wanted there, even though HE was the cheater." "I should have sold my home and moved." "start completely over." "Moved away the moment I discovered everything m ex had done/ was doing. Not remained in the same ward that had had served in the bishopric in." "Moved out of the ward right away. Being in the same ward caused me to stop going after the first year, then I moved a year ago and began going back again. I now hold a current temple recommend." "moved out of my ward."
Number nine answer: "Stayed active." "I was inactive at the time, so I'm not sure much change outside of being active in the church during the whole time."
"I wish there was some kind of support to women in the church who are going through this with better advice on how to not get ruined in the process." "Yes, there needs to be someone who knows what to do and has had experience. None of my friends knew what to do." "
"I would have encouraged that the kids be back home in time for church each sundays, instead of just going to church part time. It made it to easy for them to go inactive later on. That's my one regret."
"Seeing how the kids turned out, I wish I could have stuck it out, if I could have gotten past his cheating."
"I DON'T KNOW, IT SEEMED I WAS "DAMNED IF YA DO, DAMNED IF YA DON'T," I WOULD HAVE LEFT TOWN DURING THE DIVORCE UNTIL IT WAS OVER"
"I would have stood up for myself better with my ex spouse."
"I wouldn't have married him in the first place. I married him because I was pregnant and forgave many faults and overlooked huge deficits in the relationship because I wanted to raise my son and thought a marriage to his father would make that a better situation. I was wrong."
"Never would have "helped", albeit well-meaningly, male "friends" that took advantage of my confused and tormented state and made my life much more difficult and tormented... even than they already were... I would have learned the about law earlier too so that I knew my rights better and so lessen the trauma/effects of the threats against me."
"I wish I had ignored him after we separated. He still wanted to use me for money/food/whatever he could get. He would call me to yell at me, blame me for his problems."
"I wouldn't have shared some of my emotions with my children and I wouldn't have blamed myself so much for my ex's behavior."
"I know I made lots of mistakes, but one thing that I think I did better than the average divorcee, is I tried to keep things on friendly terms for the sake of the kids. It is amazing what power one can have when remaining civil no matter the provocation. We still get along just fine. It is one thing I can do and continue to do for the sake of the children."
"Don't think there was anything I could have changed or done differently. I do believe that I would have had stake callings, but because of the divorce, I wan't considered for any."
" I was very guided by the spirit and saw miracles everyday."
"I followed the counsel of my Priesthood leaders and was blessed every time I did."
"I would have pressed charges for abuse."
"I sometimes think shouldn't have revealed his porn problem but I felt I had a chance to educate other women about porn and I feared his anger and was afraid he would do something to me to keep his secret and standing in the church, community and keep his job at byu."
"I have no idea. There are a few very still "right"ways to get a divorce. I think you do the best you can in your particular situation and everyone is different. I only know it was the right thing for me and my children at the time and still feel this way today. I know I never felt closer to my Heavenly Father and my relationship with him has grown steadily since."
"Would have taken the opportunities to get education and some counseling. I was "talked" out of being on public assistance by a LDS mental health counselor while attending college. Looking back, I totally would encourage any mother who could have an opportunity to better her education and job possibilities to go for it, even if it meant a couple of years on welfare. I took whatever jobs I could get and we struggled financially. It has taken me years to get more education a bit at a time. I realize now I'm not depressed and stressed, it was just his personal opinion. Then I thought I would be "asking for a handout" if I needed help while I got on my feet. My Bishop never said that and I don't remember asking his advice or opinion. It was at the LDS counseling center and I felt like they were the expert and I had to get out there and do whatever I could."
"I would have showed my tears and anger to my husband instead of being strong and trying to make everyone feel ok ... it was his choice to leave ... he had secrets and he chose to live them."
"I would have been more careful with the way law enforcement was involved."
"Don't know, suffered from severe depression during due to feelings of inadequacy."
"I would have stopped allowing what I thought other people were thinking to keep me from getting to know people in my new ward."
"I would have quit my job sooner when my kids were having problems - before the divorce. Also, I would have found a different lawyer - some members in the ward were going to pool money together for me to get a lawyer, but they wanted me to get a church member - he didn't want to help me."
"not got family so involved, they became to defensive."
"Not talked about divorce stuff in front of the kids."
"I would not ask for any help, then I would not be disappointed when they wouldn't help. I had to do it alone anyways."

30. HAVE YOU SINCE REMARRIED?

No, but interested in doing so...............................................65.5%
No, not interested...................................................................8.0%
No, interested, but not to an LDS man...................................2.9%
Yes, but married into another bad situation............................9.2%
Yes, multiple times.................................................................1.7%
Yes, very happily married.....................................................12.6%
No, just co-habitating with opposite sex partner......................0%
No, just co-habitating with same sex partner...........................0%

31. DO YOU FEEL THAT YOU HAVE RECOVERED FROM THE

AFFECTS OF THE DIVORCE?

THE RECOVERY PROCESS MAY TAKE TIME, BUT IT DOES HAPPEN MORE OFTEN THAN NOT

Very much so, better than before.................................................29.0%
Yes, I feel recovered....................................................................23.3%
Sometimes I feel recovered..........................................................35.2%
Seldom do I feel recovered...........................................................6.8%
Never do I feel recovered.............................................................4.0%
I am receiving counseling/therapy through church means............4.0%
I am receiving counseling/therapy through private means............7.4%

32. WHAT KIND OF SOCIAL SUPPORT DID YOU HAVE DURING/

AFTER YOUR DIVORCE OUTSIDE OF THE CHURCH?

Lots of family..............................................................................31.1%
Some family................................................................................47.5
No family.....................................................................................6.2%
Lots of friends.............................................................................24.3%
Some friends...............................................................................54.8%
No friends....................................................................................4.0%
Professional help.........................................................................39.5%
Internet friends and family...........................................................18.6%
Other......Comments......................................................................7.9%

A SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

"only from one close friend if I seeked it out; feel very alone still do"
"I only have my daughters and 2 friends. My extended family is dead or estranged and never lived with"
"I didn't have any friends- I had felt like my husband was enough and hadn't made an effort to make friends. I now regret this."
"My family members are all members of the church. After they saw what was going on they understood."
"My children were the only social life I was allowed."
"My husband isolated me from friends and family as part of the abuse and control. Then he manipulated them during the divorce to believe that I was the one having the affairs instead of him, thus taking away any support I may have had."
"S-anon for those affected by the sexual addiction of a spouse or family member."
"ldslinkup.com, many other divorcees looking to find friends, not necessarily dating, but some do that, too."
"I have never viewed the church as a support group. The members are too involved in their own lives and families."
"Excellent support, both in and out of the church. I have always been blessed with wonderful friends. As a new member, I was very fortunate to be given tremendous support in the church. I did get counseling, but this man took a huge toll on my finances, my health, my self-esteem and many other parts of my life. So my life is different now and will never go back to what it was."
"moved to another state and recieved great support and help in that little town!!! Branch President and his family was the best thing that ever happened to me."
"Turning Point Personal & Career development class through UVU."
"I LOST 75% OF MY FRIENDS"

33. DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU DISCOVERED WHO YOUR

TRUE FRIENDS WERE BECAUSE OF THE DIVORCE?

THERE ARE THREE KINDS OF FRIENDS: 1-THOSE WHO STICK IT OUT BY YOUR SIDE, 2-THOSE WHO DISAPPEAR UNTIL IT'S OVER, 3- THOSE WHO TAKE THEIR TURN KICKING YOU WHILE YOU ARE DOWN.

Yes........................................................................................77.5%

No.........................................................................................22.5%

34. HOW COULD YOUR FAMILY HAVE SERVED YOU BETTER

WHILE YOU WERE GOING THROUGH THIS TRIAL?

Regular phone calls, texts, emails to check on you...........40.1%

Lunch/dinner/activities/time spent together......................30.6%

Come to court with you and "hold your hand"................15.9%

Send notes, flowers, etc.....................................................15.3%

A listening ear...................................................................42.0%

Other......comments...........................................................45.9%

A SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

MOST COMMON ANSWER: I HAD GREAT SUPPORT "They were great. They called regularly and gave a listening ear." "Family was fine.. as supportive as they could have been." "they were great." ""they did the best they knew how and stepped up our relationships." "My family was amazing. No improvement needed."
SECOND MOST COMMON ANSWER: LISTEN TO ME "Everyone goes through the phases of divorce. If people could understand those phases it would be a lot easier. At first, the inclination is to talk and be heard, be angry or cry. Talking to someone who understood that would've helped a lot." "anything; just an acknowledgement would have been great." "COMPASSION AND UNDERSTANDING, THEY DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT." "Most said "good riddance" but did not want to hear me mourn him."
THIRD MOST COMMON ANSWER: GIVE ME SPACE "Just let me contact them as I felt the need to talk. I didn't like being asked all the time how things were and I was not in any condition to be social." "I'm very private when I'm facing an ordeal. And glad my family gave me space I needed."
FOURTH MOST COMMON ANSWER: SHOW THAT YOU CARE "I had no support at all from family." "I was an abused child so no family support at all!" "my family does not listen to me and does not respect me."
"To have not told me i needed to get over it/him."
"My family are not my biggest support, but I am blessed with many friends."
"my family is so small, just my daughters and a couple of them were getting married and busy."
"Just let me know I'm not alone and someone cares would have been nice."
"All of the above."
"not judging or being so negative." "Some of my children were the most judgmental of all." "They would've had to change who they were, they are very judgemental people, and I didn't really want their help."
"They let me move in with them and paid my bills while I took a CNA class to then be able to support myself. Looking back, I should have also sought counseling."
"Stop expecting me to do as well as a married couple."
"My siblings offered fabulous support. My parents didn't like to talk about how I was feeling; I wish they would have been able to do so."
"My brother did come to court with me."
"Needed help obtaining a lawyer, getting junk out of house, and help with bills, and witness statements (although they didn't use them)."
"Help with the boys so I could process everything."
"Help around the house."
"They meant well, did the best they knew how, but awkward. Still kind and loving though."
"My family is not very emotionally supportive during the best of times. They weren't much better during my divorce. They often talked about how it affected them and their children, not how it was affecting me and my children."
"They were too far away and not really into phoning much." "My family lives very far away and supported me just fine."
"Understood that I was silent so the kids didn't have to be in the middle. Talk about non-divorce things unless I needed divorce advice."
"laugh with me more"
"Not be so 'I told you so' in their comments."
"just stay the same, don't act weird around me."
"because of my ex, my family was not allowed to be in my life. they are now and I love them. I feel like they don't trust me now."
"UNDERSTANDING"

35. HOW COULD YOUR FRIENDS AND WARD MEMBERS HAVE

SUPPORTED YOU BETTER?

Regular phone calls, texts, emails to check on you......................45.6%

Personal visits, lunch/dinner trips, time together.........................48.1%

Come to court with you, attorneys meetings.................................6.3%

A listening ear...............................................................................53.8%

Other......comments.......................................................................40.5%

A SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

"no one knew what to do, a lot of people said they'd have us over but no one ever did." "included me in activities,"
"Just let me know I'm not alone and someone cares would have been nice." "anything other than being ignored."
"I wish they had supported my husband more. I was fine, but he felt abandoned and that was hard for me to hear and see."
"not spread gossip."
"offer to babysit so that I could take care of legal matters."
"Needed help dejunking my house and yard."
"not judging and blaming me for his abuse." "Not judge me!" "Don't take sides or judge me." "no judgment just smile at me."
"There was one person- the EQ president- who did everything he could to make sure I was taken care of. He was amazing. The rest of the ward kinda fell back but I wasn't close to any of them."
"They have respected my privacy. I appreciate that."
"Looking me in the eyes at church, refraining from treating my kids like THEY did something wrong."
"never saw my visiting teachers didn't have any visits from anybody but my home teachers and they were the best support."
"ACT NORMAL AROUND ME, INVITE ME TO ACTIVITES I USED TO BE INCLUDED IN THAT WERE MY COUPLE FRIENDS." "just stay the same." "I had great support, including friends going to court with me. However, soon after the drama ends, Singles in the church fall off the radar chart. I still have good female friends, but am less often invited to do things by couples. They're still friends, but they don't think about including unmarried people in some events."
"Help with the children. More priesthood contact with the children." "Help with giving me a break from some of the task that playing both roles required...but only occasionally. I needed to learn to be independent, too."
"My ward and church friends were wonderful, at least the ones who knew about it." "Had great support among my lds friends."
"lunch/dinner/activities/time together. It was so nice to do & be somewhere different. It gave me break from my chaos."
"been at least neutral instead of 'siding' with the husband."
"Sisters could have not acted like I was going to grab their husband the first chance I got."
"My ward family was amazing. I answered questions from those who asked. I already knew who my true friends were. I have a great RS Pres. HPG Leader is aware of my needs. Bishops have been the men I needed when I needed them. No complaints at all."
"I think people can always use lots of support going through a divorce, but I felt suppot and love from my small branch."
"There was one ward member who was so judgmental that he ask that I no longer be his wife's visiting teacher. He would also not speak to me even in small groups. That was mean and hard to deal with."
"it was me that didn't let them in. I didn't trust anyone. still not very good at it."
"My ward members in SC were great but I have felt very judged and ostracized by ward members in UT since remarrying and moving here."
"THEY LISTENED REALLY WELL, SUPPORTIVE OF ME EXCEPT FOR THE ONES THAT WENT WITH HIM."
"I just wish they treated me as a real person with feelings, not just a charity case."
"I realized I had no friends during this process."
"NOT TREAT ME LIKE I HAVE A PLAGUE." "They backed off like I had the plague. I'd been in that ward for 22 years. That hurt!"
"I was desperate for love and validation that I was ok." "A HUG, WORDS OF KINDNESS, UNDERSTANDING, ENCOURAGEMENT."

36. DID THE DIVORCE SETTLEMENT REFLECT THE BEST

INTERESTS, SAFETY, FINANCIAL STABILITY OF THE

CHILDREN?

Yes................................................................................55.1%
No.................................................................................44.9%

CHILDREN IN THE HOME NEED TO BE THE NUMBER ONE CONCERN DURING DIVORCE

THE LDS CHURCH IS RUN BY VOLUNTEERISM AND LAY-MEMBERSHIP

QUESTION 37

37. HOW COULD YOUR BISHOP HAVE SERVED YOU BETTER?

A SMALL SAMPLE OF COMMENTS:

NUMBER ONE MOST COMMON ANSWER:

"My bishop was great!"..............................................................29.63%

"Reached out to me. Sent home teachers. Checked on us to see if they could do anything. Offered us counseling." "My Bishop was great. He helped with finding professionals to help us."
"stayed on top of what was going on - offered to give a blessing - provide families or others to help through the tough times since I know he's busy - delegate."
"My bishop was amazing. He couldn't have done more. He met with me and with my ex indiviually through the whole process, once a week."
"He was a fantastic support to me and my children." "I have no complaints. My Bishop was kind, supportive and full of love toward me and my sons."
"There isn't a thing he could have done better. He was supportive and loving. He served as a proxy for Jesus Christ in my life." "My Bishop was great! He gave me lots of spiritual advice and I'm glad that I followed it."
"My bishop was perfect." "He was awesome." "He was amazing. Exactly what I needed." "My Bishop was very empathetic and understanding." "he was wonderful. He is one of the greatest men I have ever known."
"Bishop in the new area was great, very supportive. I was given a calling right away." "THE BISHOP MADE SURE I STILL HAD A CALLING. I AM A RETURNED MISSIONARY AND NEEDED TO BE BUSY. I WAS A RELIEF SOCIETY TEACHER AND THE PREPARATION FOR LESSONS WOULD HELP HEAL MY SOUL AS I BECAME CONCERNED ABOUT THE SISTER'S WELFARE THAT I WAS TEACHING."
"My bishop handled everything very well."
"My bishop is and continues to help and support me! I appreciate him very much."
"He was perfect. No complaints. He even came to the office any time I needed to chat, and he bent over backwards to help me financially."
"He was wonderful. I was fortunate in having a bishop who recognized that some divorces are the better choice. I see many women who have been mistreated by their bishop."
"He did everything he could. He actually counseled me to leave the marriage quickly if my ex wouldn't get counseling for his problems."
"My bishop helped remind me to remain prayerful, seek answers, attend the temple. He check with me frequently. And he supported my agency, when my ex requested a meeting in his office to command me to have a change of revelation. I felt supported through a very difficult time. And after that meeting he called to let me know that he felt that I was proceeding with great caution and wisdom. Even in another ward as a divorced woman, my 1st Bishop allowed my ex to stand in the circle to ordain my son, even though he had asked him not to. My 2nd Bishop was amazing at setting healthy boundaries with my ex and treated me with great love and respect. He is now in the stake presidency and we have talked at great length about the challenges of meeting single's needs. My current bishop has be amazingly wonderful. He is loving and always reaching out to everyone in the ward. I have served as the RS President, Gospel Doctrine Teacher, and am now serving as the YW President. Those callings have taught me so much and I am so grateful for the honor of really getting to serve my ward."
"My bishop was wonderful. I was surprised at that because my husband had been the Executive Secretary to this bishop. I was his first divorce to counsel as a new bishop and he was great! He was also supportive to my daughter with advise and Priesthood blessings. My Stake President was also very supportive."
"My Bishop was very supportive. He made sure to touch base with me often. He guided me to take the high road. He would often just put his arm around me and give me a quick, side hug of support. I appreciated that because when you get divorced physical touch is eliminated from your life from other men. I knew that when he gave me a hug, it was what the Savior would have done, had He been here. There was nothing inappropriate about it." AND MORE...

BISHOPS CAN PROVIDE GREAT SUPPORT TO DIVORCE VICTIMS

NUMBER TWO ANSWER:

"I wish I had more emotional/spiritual support."...................................16.3%

"Reached out to me. Sent home teachers. Checked on us to see if they could do anything. Offered us counseling."
"Just letting me know that he was there to visit if I needed to talk." "Ask more questions. Offer suggestions."
"Just let me know I'm not alone and someone cares would have been nice." "Could have shown some interest."
"Checked up on me, offered counseling or any help/support at all."
"I wish he would have been more compassionate. He once told me that if I was a better housekeeper, my husband would be better to me. He was kind and smart, but he seemed like he didn't want to deal with our marital issues. We were something like the 3rd or 4th couple in the ward to get divorced that year, and I'm sure that had taken its toll on the good bishop. He was supportive in his office, but I wish he'd reached out to me outside of that."
"He could have done what he said he was going to do...especially after he was given a second chance. He never once talked to me w/out my husband present to ask me what the issues were either."
"More check-ins .... there were many dark nights!"
"He was very kind and supportive in words, but didn't really know what to do for me."
"Well. I still find it hard to believe that he was assigned by the Stake President to be my ex husband's "special" home teacher, when he did not live in our ward, and I had no one and 4 children under the age of 6. I wish I had a special home teacher and just some relief. When a brother in the ward got divorced it was a tragedy and sisters were recruited to babysit for him for free."
"The first bishop made it clear that he disapproved of "single" moms. His attitude was reflected by that ward."
"I know he didn't understand what was happening. I didn't understand it. But Bishops need to know it is not 50 50 There really can be someone doing things to the other person."
"More frequent contact. He admitted to feeling uncomfortable around me because I was now single. He and his wife were good friends to both my ex and me before the divorce. Now, they are more constrained. They are good people and include me in major events and I am grateful for that."
"He knew what was happening at home but I felt like he did not support me or perhaps he could not because of the church not condoning divorce? I just really needed his support somehow so I didn't feel so terrible about it even though I knew it was the right decision."
"He was just so cold, he could have been warmer."
"I didn't really know him, he didn't ever reach out to me."
"My Bishop in SC was very supportive, kind and helpful. My Bishop here in UT has made me feel like my ex spouse is a victim because I moved far away from my sons biological father. I have sole custody and my ex is unstable and gives no financial support. I feel like my Bishop here wants to support my ex more than he wants to be my Bishop."
"He could have listened to the real fears I had and supported me in that, instead of suggesting that I needed to soften my heart and let my husband move back home and try to work it out. That was unthinkable."
"After one visit to my home, I never heard from him again. It would have been nice to have his support. More visits or phone calls."
"Keeping regular check-in appointments to make sure I am on track with any needs. As he represents the Lord a warm soul to care and help push me through when I feel immobilized."

NUMBER THREE ANSWER:

"I wish he hadn't been as judgmental"...................................................8.15%

"just been there instead of shunning me doing nothing for me but judging me."
"Listened to me before judging me."
"Not judge me and accept that I had the best interest of my family."
"Judge not."
"If he had used the mantle, he would have known the truth. He should not have told the children to respect their father because he did not know what my children had experienced. He should not have support my ex when he had left the ward and been rude to me and treated me as if I was a liar and crazy. He could have prayed to know the truth. He needed to not give his opinion during priesthood blessings because God knew the truth and would not have inspired him to say those things."
"He could have refrained from judging when he didn't know the circumstances."
"I wish he had not listened to rumors and had talked to me personally."

NUMBER FOUR ANSWER:

"I wish he had used church disciplinary measures against my husband..6.67%

"He could have helped me more spiritually, and held him accountable for what he did, instead of rewarding him."
"I wish the Church had held some sort of discipline, but I was told that the Church doesn't discipline pornography at all anymore, and that "if he's not sorry when he gets in legal trouble for child abuse, why would he feel bad if the church disciplined him?" so they didn't even bother. He's been dealt with very leniently for his whole life, so he thinks what he does isn't a big deal, and keeps doing it."
"Reached out to his bishop with the true facts."
"More communication with his next bishop due to my spouse lies from bishop to bishops."
"My bishop was exceptional but I wondered why my ex wasn't called in for disciplinary action."
"Tried my husband for his crimes, given him a chance to repent."
"possibly if my ex-husband had been on probation or disfellowshipped years prior the pattern might not have formed, and possible marriage saved."
"He should have called my ex-husband's new bishop and informed him of his true identity. Instead he was able to enter the Tabernacle Choir after an interview with his new bishop and stake president. The 'wolf in sheep's clothing' continues to prowl for more prey to exploit under the guise of a Tab Choir singer."
"I thought they would call him in on his crimes of infidelity (even while he was the Single's Ward Bishop), deceit, and abuse. I guess they don't do that anymore? What happened to excommunication? This is the only chance guys like this have to turn around their ways."

NUMBER FIVE ANSWER:

"I wish he was more conscious of support for the children."................4.44%

CHILDREN NEED EXTRA SUPPORT DURING THE DIVISION OF THEIR FAMILY

"I can't even go there. That was just messed up. My current Bishop, five years after the divorce, told my daughter at her 16 year old bday interview, "I don't know what happened with your parents but divorce is wrong and families are forever." I've/we've been active in this ward for three years, he doesn't know because he doesn't talk to me. Being single without any priesthood guidance is hard. Our last Bishop was great. He called me into his office to listen to how things were going and regularly checked on us. I'm not needy but I do need some maintenance."
"Listened and supported the children. Youngest did't have a male role model and they wouldn't help because they wanted his father to be there fir him-he was never there."
"maybe spoken with my children."
"Cared about the children."

NUMBER SIX ANSWER:

"I wish he had not chosen to stand by my ex, though he was the

guilty one............................................................................................3.7%

"He could have not chosen sides. I was the one left in the ward but he made it clear that he believed my ex."
"I guess the Priesthood stick together because he was sympathetic to the abuser and felt sorry for him when I started the move to break up the marriage. It must be very hard for an abuser to lose his victims. I guess I had this funny idea that the victims were the ones deserving the support?"
"No matter how much I tried to explain what it was like to live in this hell, he wanted me to work it out. It is not possible to work it out with an abusive cheating narcissistic sociopath. I learned that after 7 years of counseling and 32 years of a hellish marriage. My baby was grown, and I was leaving. The bishop and ward rallied around my ex. Whatever. I still live there, just go to different wards. It's a good thing I know the church is true or I'd never go at all."
"I figured that if he was going to take sides, it would be with the victim? I guess it's a man's world after all."

NUMBER SEVEN ANSWER:

"I wish he had offered temporal help (food/financial/help with move, etc)...3.7%

"I feel really guilty asking for financial help, but I have basically been in poverty since the divorce. I am a full-time student, and financial aid is not enough to live off of. Also, the brethren and sisters could just take initiative and help."
"Understood my financial situation after divorce better."
"I really needed someone to help financially, so my husband couldn't manipulate me in that regard."
"I WISH I HAD HUMBLED MYSELF AND RECEIVED HELP FROM BISHOP WITH FOOD AND BILLS."
"My health was so bad after long periods of stress that it took a while to get on my feet once I got up the strength to leave him with my children for our safety. I could have used some help temporally for a short time."

NUMBER EIGHT ANSWER:

"I wish I had been consulted before I was released from my calling.".........2.96%

"Talked with me before taking away the calling that was holding me together."
"Suddenly I was never asked to pray or talk in church again...? I did teach in RS."
"After my divorce I desired to serve in the temple. I had to talk to 3 bishops about this (in young single adult wards) before one of them figured out that if you are divorced, you can't be an ordinance worker in the temple for 5 years. This is the most alienating protocol and I don't understand it. I was told I could be a worker, to which I said, 'yes, please', and then nothing came of it. I think I was in a place where I had time to serve, wanted to, knew it would be helpful, and was denied the chance because I got a divorce. It makes no sense at all."
"I went from teaching Gospel Doctrine, Institute and Seminary, to helping in the Nursery. I was in there with all the other divorced women in the ward. I really do wonder, what are they afraid of? Do they think we are going to seduce the men during Sunday School? One day I'm a good teacher, the next I am dangerous? Because I'm the 'D' word. Has everyone lost their minds? Is there really no room in this church for failure in marriages? I married a returned missionary in the temple, who happened to also be an abusive, cheating, gay guy. Ok, I chose poorly. Is that reason for this kind of treatment by the leaders and membership?"
"I asked the bishop if he would be interested in my heading up a 'Single's program' in our ward. We have a bunch of singles who feel lost in a family ward. He thanked me for my suggestion and called me to be a substitute Sunday School teacher. No one ever called. I understand that it is hard to understand the plight of the singles unless you are one. Experience is a great teacher. I just feel like the singles are over-looked. God does care about ALL of His children, right?"

NUMBER NINE ANSWER:

"I wish he had more knowledge about abuse and manipulative behaviors"...2.22%

"Wished he was more knowledgable about abuse and addiction, then he wouldn't have been sucked into his twisting manipulations."
"I started letting the bishop know what was really going on in our home. He believed me. I tried to warn him of how convincing my husband would be when he met with him. He promised that he would not be fooled. The next thing I knew the bishop was caught up in his lies. I guess if he can fool psychology experts, us regular folk haven't a chance. I guess I was hoping that he would have the 'power of discernment' that bishops often can have. I don't blame him, I'm just tired of my ex getting away with his favorite game of my character assassination, along with his infidelity, cheating, and lying."
"I wish bishops were given a little training on symptoms of personality disorders and abuse. It is hard to convince them of how bad it is at home, and how destructive it is to the lives of those imprisoned with these kinds of controlling/isolating/abusive people."
"If a sister can't get help and protection from her own bishop, where can she go? Doesn't the Lord care about his daughters?"

NUMBER TEN ANSWER:

"He should not have advised me to stay in an abusive relationship.".............2.22%

"He seemed to think it would be worth staying together so I wouldn't be lonely; he had no concept of the realities or dangers of living in an abusive relationship!"
"When I begged for help because I felt unsafe he could have done something instead of laugh at me, and then send me home where I then got beat up."
"Not to have been so accepting of abuse, as if that's just the way any family has been for years... I broke the cycle, yet my children are still suffering from abuse fifteen years ago...they were only 3,5,7 & 18."
"I told him that he was emotionally abusive to me, and was molesting our two children. I felt like the Lord was supporting me in my decision to leave. I was told that the Lord would never tell a woman to leave her Priesthood husband for any reason. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I still kicked my husband out but eventually had to move out of the ward. I'm in my third ward now and my ex calls every bishop in advance of my arrival. I don't know what he tells them, I just know that I have yet to feel supported, cared about, or even noticed."

NUMBER ELEVEN ANSWER:

"It would help if counseling could be offered."...............................................2.22%

"offered counseling or any help/support at all."
"I feel like he should have insisted my ex go to couples counseling."
"My Bishop was great. He helped with finding professionals to help us."
"It would have been helpful for every member of the family to have had counseling during the divorce reprocess."
"It saved my children to have had special counselors just for them. Two years later they tell me that it was the one thing that pulled them through."

CHRIST'S CHURCH WELCOMES EVERYONE IN EVERY STAGE OF LIFE

QUESTION 38

38. HOW COULD YOUR WARD LEADERS, VISITING/HOME

TEACHERS HAVE SERVED YOU BETTER?

"steadily come and sincerely care - make sure my son went out home teaching and kept up priesthood duties."
"VT could have at least come to see me. But they didn't for several months at the beginning. Talked to me, called and checked up. Asked me to do things with them. Included me in things."
"Called just from time to time just to see how I was doing."
"Called just from time to time just to see how I was doing."
"I think that the church should give more training to help in this area"
"Just let me know I'm not alone and someone cares would have been nice."

HE HAS NO HANDS BUT OURS......

"Support myself but mostly support my children by inviting and including them in activities."
"They were just great.. a true blessing to me."
"Have more knowledge about divorce."
"Nothing better; they were all wonderful & supportive."
"Blessings, moral support, physical help moving, place to stay etc."
"Been supportive, I felt shunned."
"Check in on me. I have a hard time asking for help."
"Show me I still had worth in the ward, even though I did not have a husband any more and my home was messy because I had to go to work."
"It would have been great to have active home teachers to offer blessings to me, but I had a great bishop who did that for me."
"They all did a very good job. Very compassionate."
"More regular visits, phone calls. I just needed to constantly know that I was loved and that there was someone there for me."
"Regular monthly visits."
"Home Teachers- Help with home projects, mentor my boys, teach boys how to do "guy stuff".

ANY SIGN OF LOVE CAN LIFT THE DOWN-TRODDEN

"I wish they had reached out to me during the holidays, especially. The first Thanksgiving and Christmas alone were so painful. I didn't even have anyone to exchange presents with. It would have meant the world to me if someone, anyone, would have baked cookies, or sent me a card, you know?"
"I don't fault the ward leaders. I am not one to ask for help and they can't always know what is needed unless asked."
"I needed more help getting the house and yard in order."
"My visiting teacher was great (RS president who had gone through a divorce too) but the home teachers were both either happily married or newlyweds so they didn't really know how to relate with my situation."
"Visit my home. Many of my home teachers wouldn't come into my house because they needed a third person. It made me feel worse when they'd come over and stand on the doorstep."
"Checked on me weekly, and when it was really difficult...daily."
"My home and visiting teachers were wonderful. I only wish my home teacher had been changed to someone older or who came with his wife."
"I was inactive, so not applicable."
"It would have been nice to have had some support/ help but received very little; people just didn't know what to say!"
"My kids need strong, righteous men as role models, but it's hard to get to know them since I'm a single woman. We don't "hang out" with families in the ward, so really, I guess we need them to be assigned to us."
"I feel like we're being well supported by all our ward leaders."
"Making visits regularly. With two sons I would be nice to have some priesthood holders to set an example from time to time."
"Not be afraid of me. I was told once that they were afraid I may influence them."

DIVORCEES OFTEN FEEL QUITE ALONE

"Other than the Bishop, they didn't know what was going on, so they didn't know more was needed, so I don't blame them for not doing enough."
"They were great."
"Not assumed they knew what was going on, not taken sides. Not treated the victims like we were the perpetrators. My ex broke all of his covenants. I broke none of mine. My children were innocent...but that isn't how we were treated."
"Assess needs better. When I moved 6 months or so after, I had no help. I could have used more help around the house while I was mourning. Now it is no big deal usually, plus I just ask for the help I need."
"Don't know never had any."
"Would have been nice to have Home Teachers who actually came and Visiting Teachers who wanted to do more than just give a message - maybe help me out, give me relief in an emergency. I could not call on them for help, when I did they said no..."
"I wish my home teacher had offered me priesthood blessings on a regular basis. I was usually too distraught to think of asking him, but I really needed the guidance."
"They were fine. We had lived in that ward for 10 years married, and then I lived there for another 12 as a single mom. They didn't seem to treat me differently."
"Years ago a divorced friend told me what it was like to be divorced in this church. I did not believe her, and thought it was an isolated incident. Twenty years later when I went through it myself, I had the exact same experience that she described. I could not believe it. This church that I love so much turned on me in my greatest Gethsemane. It made a horrible experience almost unbearable. Now I just do not feel wanted there. If I did not have a strong testimony of the Gospel I would never return."

GOSSIP CAN MAKE A BAD SITUATION IMPOSSIBLE TO BEAR

"Not gossiping and being judgmental."
"I suppose members think they have to pick a side. They don't have to pick a side to be helpful. Again, knowing the phases of divorce would be helpful. Divorce is hard. Comments like, "Divorce is always wrong." Is not helpful nor is it true. Heavenly Father doesn't want his sons or daughters to be abused."
"I started the divorce process in 2009, finalized last spring. In all that time (two different wards) my visiting teachers never showed up to see me at all. It was difficult in both wards to get home teachers. Single sisters with children really need home teachers."
"not to be judgmental."
"Stake President could have talked to me rather than just telling the bishop I should be released; just because of the divorce - having done nothing "wrong". i guess he felt I was a bad example to others."
"I needed someone to check on me. I needed help with coping with the financial disaster."
"Home teachers could've pulled my weeds. It was all I ever asked and it was never done. New home teachers are much more in tune."
"My first hometeachers were amazing...the second never came and really that was ok because our family was in deep pain. But we now have our amazing hometeachers back."
"Visiting teachers who really listened and cared were wonderful, but I haven't had many of those. They are changed frequently and I have not had many who really visit like I would like. I am blessed with wonderful friends and coworkers, though."
"Home teachers wouldn't come to my house. Visiting teachers came but RS presidency didn't come to see me once."

HOME TEACHERS CAN OFFER GREAT SUPPORT

"visited, called, stopped by."
"I'm glad they didn't change their pattern of visits."
"Provided childcare so I can/could attend Singles Activities, after divorce of course. Helped include me and kids in FHE more during divorce when couldn't go to singles activities."
"VT's were wonderful. HT's never came until my ex passed away and then they showed up. Then the ward was very supportive."
"I was inactive and not receiving visits from them."
"Making sure a single mom of two sons had hone teachers period."
"I wish I had had VTs who were good friends during this time."
"Talked to me, spent any time at all with my kids."
"Since moving to a new ward, I have not seen my home teachers in 6 months. Visiting teachers talk a lot about their husbands when they visit."
"I needed my ward to become part of my family, help my children get to & from church events. I would have really appreciated if an elder would have taken my son under his wing & helped him stay active in the church."
"regular visits would have been nice, it was like they were afraid of me."
"just act normally, like before."
"Home ward bishop might have been more interested in my experience and decision making process than he was in stating what was then the "Party line" of staying in a destructive relationship."
"My home teacher was excellent. I can't remember who my VTs were."
"My ward leaders were very supportive."
"Home teachers would have been good. As hard as it was/is, I still need to see marriages that work with love & men who try to do good continually. It gives me hope, though there are days it's painful because I'm reminded of my loss."
"I felt like they didn't know what to do with me, I felt like an outcast, and still do."
"All of them were exceptional."

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, IT'S TIME FOR VISITING TEACHERS

"Think about sitting next to a single person in church. We are not diseased."
"Home Teachers came every month, but never really tried to serve. Visiting Teachers came or called every month and showed up when I really needed them in direct service to my needs/prayers."
"No complaints, but I think a family going through divorce needs home teachers that will be regular, we didn't always have that. I hadn't been allowed to be active before the divorce, I wanted examples of good, godly men for my children. We had that sometimes."
"Be a friend not a counselor."
"Invited me to dinner or for some fun activities."
"REGULAR VISITS, BE MY FRIEND"
"I had a nursery leader ask me why I was in my calling, I told her I was asked by the bishop to be there, she told me she didn't think I should be around small children because I was divorced. I think people just need to understand that just because my marriage didn't work doesn't mean I'm any less of a human being."
"more regular visits, act normal around me."
"no idea, if they weren't my friend prior to the problem, then attention to my needs afterwards would not have been comfortable, like a service project."
"My Home teachers very rarely visited. He is the High Priest Group Leader. I know that life is busy and I am not angry with my Home Teacher but it would have been nice to have some priesthood leader's support with my children."
"I had the BEST home teachers and visiting teachers. There was only one calling that was "Are you kidding me?" They wanted me to do cub scouts while I was working and going to school. But to their credit they didn't issue a "calling" but made it an inquiry first."
"I have always been there for them, in every ward we have lived. Now it was my turn to be served. I was broken, destroyed, and lower than I've ever been. The ward preferred to take their turns with the axe while I was on the chopping block."

THE MAGIC OF A HUG

"They could have smiled at me at church or in the neighborhood. They could have hugged my children because divorce always hurts the children and that would have relieved their pain and mine too."
"liked dinner invitations, etc. advice would have been good...not something you have a lot of experience with..perhaps hooked me up with some who had been through it."
"I wish even now that everyone would try to understand how hard it is to live alone. I am completely alone and it is very difficult."
"Home and Visiting teachers should just keep on at a normal pace, being interested in our well-being, or just showing little kindnesses... kindness is so meaningful to a hurting, worn-down soul. Showing that I was still worth something, and had value to God, is vital too..."
"Visit me! Treat me as an equal."
"They need to give home teachers to divorced women and stop being so obsessed with whether something naughty may happen. They are worse than Muslims in that regard."
"My visiting teachers were wonderful throughout, thoughtful, compassionate with concrete offerings of help."
"Some have judged me ... a couple bishops saw me as a welfare case before I was able to speak for myself. At times I've felt like a mooch and right now.. I'm struggling with illness and raising a special needs child alone and I won't go to the church for help because I've been told I've worn out my limit pretty much."
"If someone asks "Is there anything you need?" and you get an answer, please be prepared to follow through. I am not a 'needy' person, but I asked several times to borrow a step ladder so I could change a light fixture that is very high. I was promised it, and never had it carried through. Then it because a 'joke,' when my HT would visit. Sadly, it wasn't funny to me to have the one thing I had asked for laughed about. This was a second HT, sometime after the divorce."
"They could have been more accepting and let their children play with mine."
"Be supportive of my standing in the church. They just acted confused and forgot Who I was."
"My home teachers were amazing and helped me with many things around my house."
"They could have shown some compassion. After I moved my new ward went out of their way to show me love and support."
"My ward was great. It was hard however to no longer be a family. I felt at times like a magic show act. Now you see a family, now you don't. I would have liked it if maybe someone would have sat with me in church. At times, I felt like a leper."
"People in my UT ward have been slow to get to know me and my son. A few families have told their kids not to play with my son because his family have been through divorce. I served in the Relief Society presidency before, during and after my divorce in SC. But here in UT I teach one Sunday per month and have not been asked to do much more. I feel as though I am not needed. I don't fit in the pre-determined mold of what I should be here in UT."
"I moved 6 months after my divorce, when I was able to buy a home. My ward helped me to get settled. They continue to keep the relationship going even though it has been several years."
"Need to have tools for specifically helping women navigate through divorce."
"My Home teacher was gay and would bring his lovers to come home teach us when his companion wasn't available. I actually thought he was hilarious and was very loving."
"I felt more comfortable with the older or couple hometeachers, but just come regularly becuase having scriptures with children is even very hard, need the gospel contact.."

"The home teachers could have followed through and fixed something when they asked if I needed help fixing something. Instead, I got the message that they knew they were supposed to ask, but they didn't really want to do it. I would have rather not even been asked. They would always call at the last second on the last Sunday of the month for an appointment right when I always need to drive to pick up my kids from their dad's place. And then when I suggested another time or two, I got the message that I was an inconvenience because I didn't fit into the schedule they expected me to. It really bothered me when my teenage daughter told me that one of them was staring down her shirt! After that I only let them come to my house once. We requested new home teachers months ago and haven't gotten new ones yet. My daughter asked the bishop to assign new home teachers for us as well. The visiting teachers couldn't have been better! Love them!"
"My visiting teachers started to take me to lunch every month instead of a home visit to show extra support. They let me grieve over the divorce battle, listened lovingly, and never spoke a word of it to anyone once we parted. It made a huge difference to have someone to talk to that cared, a cheer section so to speak."
"My visiting teacher saved a spot for me each week at church. I felt like the elephant in the room when I arrived without my husband, but knew I would't be sitting all alone. That one thing alone helped me to keep coming."
"My new leaders, Home and Visiting Teachers were very supportive."
"They could have been more supportive in general and noticed what I was trying to say. I gave them hints of the abuse and control I was living with but they did not get it. "I'm not aloud" "No, I can't come, he wouldn't like that" "No he would be mad at me. They just didn't seem to really care."
"regular visits, showed compassion instead of backing away."
"Not be so affraid of a single woman...i was in need of support and encouragement.Not be so affraid of a single woman...i was in need of support and encouragement."
"They did a good job but the culture of the ward was very negative towards me."
"Acted normal, reached out with love and compassion for the worst trial of my life, especially after I'd been there for them during theirs. Regular visits or calls. I wish people had asked me for the truth instead of believing idle gossip of character assassination from my ex. I was the innocent victim. Yet they sided with him. I had been serving them and their children for 12 years. Not gossip about me. Not send me the oldest man in the ward to be my home teacher, who preached that women should never leave their husbands, every time he came over. I still live in that house but cannot attend that ward. I visit other wards even though it has been over 2 years and I have remarried. I still get treated like I have the plague."

A LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

39. WHAT METHODS DID YOU USE IN YOUR EVERY DAY LIVING FOR SURVIVING

THE DIVORCE, AND FOR STARTING A NEW LIFE?

"I VISITED THE TEMPLE OFTEN"

"temple, prayer, reading, exercising, going to college and gaining self esteem."
"going to the temple and staying active with friends."
"Going to the temple a lot!! Reading scriptures and praying. Exercise. Talking to friends."
"Prayer, scriptures, staying active, and special focus on attending the Temple - Depended on strength and blessings for my children."
"Frequent trips to the temple were essential for my spiritual and emotional well being. I developed a close relationship with my Heavenly Father. His spirit has guided my every foot step before, during and after the divorce."
"Tried to stay close to the Lord, stayed active in church, went to the temple."
"The temple, prayer, scriptures, reading books about surviving after divorce."
"The 'Single's scene is a tough one, I made it a goal to stay temple worthy, and visited the temple more often then before. It was the only place where I could find peace and added strength."
"Lots of prayer, going to the Temple weekly as much as possible,"
"I doubled my temple attendance during the divorce and after. I needed it so much. It really did help."

COUNSELING DURING DIVORCE CAN BE VERY BENEFICIAL

"I SOUGHT COUNSELING AND/OR THERAPY."

"Went to the Great Life Trainings."

"Therapy and support of friends outside the church."

"Therapy, 12 Steps, and staying active in Church."

"Both therapy/counseling,"

"Counseling, self-improvement, prayer, support of family and friends."

"Therapy."

""Therapy (in part paid by church), prayer, super-close friends."

"I went in active and sought escape, finally went through therapy and came back to church."

"Counseling, alternative therapy, massage."

"Therapy, exercise, love from my kids, and support from family and friends."

"Counseling, life coaching, friends."

"I went to counseling for a short time, and read lots of 'self-help' books."

"I sought professional counseling to help with my sons anger toward me. We did individual and family counseling for he and I."

"I attended a support group. Worked with some natural alternative healing to improve my health and manage my stress. I continued to see a counselor. I went to the temple frequently. I went to lunch with friends. And I determined not to date until I felt centered, calm and ready."

"I am worried that I will never recover financially from this divorce. I was a stay at home mom & have found it really hard to reenter into the work force. I have been unemployed 3 times in the last 6 years. I am currently seeking counseling to help me deal with the anger that keeps recurring. It is helping and I am making progress in moving forward. I still anger at his lies to my children and their buying into it. I have been on anti-depressants a couple of times in the last 6 years to help me get through the toughest times."

"Kept working. Private therapist made a huge difference in how I viewed the betrayal, and my ability to move forward in my life."

"It was helpful to go to counseling and to have an unbiased listener who had had previous experience with personality disorders. It was very validating to hear that I wasn't wrong in getting out, for a change. He fooled everyone else, so I felt very alone in my efforts to escape."

"My family, consisting mostly of brothers, did not have the patience to listen to me, so it was nice to be able to talk to someone. We females process through talking. We work things out in our heads and try to make sense of it all, but few want to listen. Divorce is a very toxic subject and it is too much for most people. My counselor was great if for that alone."

WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE JUST LISTEN TO ME?

"I CLUNG TO FRIENDS."

"Friends. Work."

"Talking about it, and exercise were the best stress reduction methods, and prayer."

"Therapy (in part paid by church), prayer, super-close friends."

"talked to ask many people as I could, cried alot, went to counseling for what he put me through."

"Hooked up with others to keep from being pulled back to ex."

"Chocolate and friends."

" spending time with friends, forcing myself to spend time with people on really dark & depressing days, talking."

"For me I needed to talk it out to my friends and family. Conversations were so necessary."

"I allowed myself to cry a lot to get it out. I talked to those who were supportive in order to sort out my feelings and to make a plan for my future."

"CLINGING TO CLOSE ASSOCIATES."

"I had only a few friends who were not fooled by him and who stood by me to the end. I moved and made a new set of friends who were also single. I loved being able to start over, but I admit, the pain from losing friends that I thought were my 'kindred spirits' for life, it hurt a lot. Friends can be such great supporters. I was always there for them, but where were they when I needed them? I guess it is better to know the true colors of the people in your life."

WE LOSE FRIENDS, AND WE CAN MAKE NEW ONES

"I GOT INVOLVED IN THE 'SINGLE'S' PROGRAMS"

"Church and Institute. Sunday got me through to Tuesday and Tuesday got me through to Sunday."

"Started internet dating and going to singles conferences, dances."

"I found a 'Single's Ward' for the purpose of making new friends to replace the ones I lost. I loved feeling understood, like just being there I didn't have to explain. Automatic acceptance. I enjoyed making friends and being involved in the activities. The bishop was great. The 'Single's Ward' saved me."

"I attended a religion class for singles."

"I read many books about co-dependency. I became socially active in the Single Adult program. Counseled with the new bishop."

"I went out dancing with friends a lot."

"I had great married friends, but they could only understand so much, they were so very nice to me, and included me in fun. It got to be hard being the third or fifth or seventh wheel all of the time. I found some great single friends on a dating site, and they were extremely helpful. They made me feel like I wasn't alone and crazy."

"finding other strong women who have gone through similar situations."

"PRAYER. So much prayer, all the time. During the hard nights, I prayed for Him to wrap His arms around me and hold me tight. It was the only thing that would help me slip into sleep. That, and frequenting the message boards on LDSLinkup, to chat and banter with other users."

"A little therapy to find out why I married the man I did and what i could do different next time. Then, when I didn't have my kids, I went to church dances and firesides, both helpful and depressing :-)"

"KEPT ACTIVE WITH FRIENDS, SINGLE'S WARD ACTIVITIES"

"I went to the Single's Ward looking for girl friends, which I found. To my utter astonishment, I found a wonderful husband as well!"

TAKE TIME TO DO THE THINGS THAT YOU ENJOY

"GET INVOLVED IN SOMETHING YOU ENJOY"

"I went fishing.... It was wonderful!."
"Dancing...doing things I enjoy."
"I began walking and then started running to reduce stress. "
"Prayer, prescribed medication, got a pet- which was very therapeudic. They were always happy to see me and gave me unconditional love."
"Traveling."
"Sometimes go to the temple, movies, talking with friends and my sisters, reading uplifting books, inexpensive weekend trips to visit family or friends."
"listening to uplifting music."
"dropped everything that wasn't important.got active physically. Ran races."
"CLASSICAL MUSIC, WATCHING UPLIFTING MOVIES, EXERCISE."
"KEPT ACTIVE WITH FRIENDS, HOBBIES, FAMILY."
"I had always wanted to write but never had the support or time. Now that I don't have someone telling me I can't, or I'm not good enough, I am taking time each day to write. I can't believe how therapeutic it is."
"I created a bucket list of things I want to do in this life. I have been traveling to places I have always wanted to go, I am getting back into the speaking circuit like I was before he put me in his prison, I am bike riding, I am spending time with friends and family again, I am having the time of my life. I still have a stressful life, but I am free from his prison! Yay!"
"Now that the kids have finally forgiven me for leaving their father, we go do lots of fun activities with their kids. I have since remarried and happily so, they are seeing me happy for the first time in their lives, and have finally adjusted to this new situation. We have grandma/grampa camps each week of the summer where we go to someplace fun together. I do dates with my grown kids one on one."
"Scrapbooking, journaling, gardening.......doing the things that I love."

GET YOURSELF INTO SHAPE

"TAKE GOOD CARE OF/IMPROVE YOURSELF."

"Going to the gym relieves alot of stress."

"Being positive; reading uplifting books/articles; finding my self-worth, doing things for me."

"Nutritious supplements and diet to support the body in a stressful situation."

"Medication, and exercise."

"Reading, talking to my friend who is a member, and wonderful members of my branch."

"exercise, shopping."

"Mental toughness. Get up and do what you are required to do everyday and find moments each day that make you smile."

"Counseling, lots of prayer, the scriptures, the temple and loving my kids. I also didn't date anyone for a year after the divorce, the advice from my children's counselor. It was the best decision I made. It let the dust settle for my children and gave me the chance to learn who I was again."

"I tried primarily to stay positive. I actively sought new friends. I exercised and worked on myself. I spent time with my children, taking them on outing, teaching them and trying to create a nurturing environment I leaned heavily on my testimony. I also attended a one year program for victims of abuse."

"Prayer, Priesthood Blessings, Self Help Classes."

"continue with professional counseling and am finishing my degree. Focusing on building myself has been essential to healing."

"After many many years I got a degree for myself."

"Work hard and try not to dwell on it....went back to school studying marriage at the Y, trying to find where I went wrong."

"self-help reading, writing,"

"Work constantly the. I started to explore interests and started my advanced degree."

"Work projects, doing things I love."

"Anti-depressants to deal with the PTSD, therapy, and joining groups...birthday groups with work and church friends, trying to get out more, serving in the church."

"Took the Turning Point class on Personal & Career development and learned to write my accomplishments, what I was looking for in a spouce, learned to understand my personality and needs because with children we lose ourselves and do not pay attention to our needs. I learned to take time with my appearence for ME, like clear nail polish and brighter clothes or accessories. Feeling pretty was important when everything else was falling apart."

"I have had to find doctors who could reverse the damage stress has done to my body. I have stayed on strict regimen for getting my health back. Just having him gone I am feeling better every day. I am slowly making progress and see the light at the end of the tunnel."

"I put myself on a schedule of working out, no matter how depressed I felt, got myself looking pretty good, bought some new outfits for the new me. I even bought new high heels now that I am not stuck with that insecure short man. Now I can be me without worrying about making him feel less about himself. It feels good to have me back."

"Eat right, get enough sleep (although I had to take some natural and sometimes prescription sleep aids), exercise, take time out for meditation, massage......take good care of yourself because you are the only one who can."

"Get a make-over, change out your wardrobe for a new look, get in the best shape of your life. Move if necessary, start over.......walk away from your past and don't look back."

DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR SUPPORT FROM YOUR PERSONAL COMMUNITY

"KEEP YOUR PERSONAL COMMUNITY INVOLVED"

"threw myself into work."
"recognizing ex's agency to choose for himself, making a conscious decision to not be bitter, surrounded myself with supportive people both for me and for my children."
"Kept busy with friends, family, work, exercise, playing with my dog. And of course going to church, praying."
"I learned to reach out for help, rather than suffer in silence. I found a few family members/friends that were willing to help or just listen but I had to let them know what was really going on, rather than just putting on a happy face and say everything was fine."
"Asking for state help to supplement my own income, because we wouldn't be able to survive on our own."
."I went back to school. I talked to professionals."
"Counseling, self-help books, family & friends."
"I find the phrase "surviving divorce" interesting. It sounds like cancer or something. It is not a term I would use. It makes it sound like a life sentence and something I have to endure. That is not what my life is like. If I thought of it that way, I would be ONLY surviving. The methods I use is realizing that my current life is what it is. I accept reality and enjoy every moment. I don't want to survive, I want to live. Don't you? I also help my kids do that. We live our life just as fully as we would as if I were married. If I need help doing that, I call in the reinforcements so I can make it work, otherwise we live."
"Surrounded myself with supportive people, went to counseling, went back to work, spent a great deal of time in prayer and fasting."
"Taking help when it came. That was sometimes the hardest thing to do as someone who is extremely self-reliant."
"I MOVED BACK HOME TO BE WITH PARENTS TO HEAL IN A HOME OF ULTIMATE LOVE, MY HOUSE OF HEALING. THEY ALSO HELPED ME GET BACK ON MY FEET FINANCIALLY FROM THE DIVORCE, AND WAS ABLE TO MOVE BACK INTO MY WARD THAT WATCHED ME GROW UP FROM CHILDHOOD. I NEVER SAT ALONE, FRIENDS WOULD PICK ME UP FOR ACTIVITIES, MY VISITING TEACHER ALWAYS MADE SURE I WAS STOCKED UP ON ICE CREAM, CLAIMING IT CURED EVERY AILMENT, BUT HER COMPANY WAS VERY VALUABLE."
"Turning to the Lord. I did go through a very angry period and I turned away from the Lord for a few months. I am not proud of that. I finally turned back to the Lord and sought my priesthood leader's help and support even when it was difficult for me to ask."
"ASKING FOR BLESSINGS EVERY, EVERY TIME I NEEDED ONE, ASKED FOR HELP FROM MEMBERS AND RECEIVED IT."
"I walked away from everything... I got a $2000 one time payment from family services, got me an apartment and a job I could walk to and take my kids I had no vehicle I saved up during the Summer and went to an auction and bought one for everything I had...my sisters Bishop help me get some food,beds and clothing...which I will forever be grateful for...."

KEEP YOUR FAITH STRONG, LEAN ON THE LORD FOR HIS TENDER MERCIES

"LEAN ON THE LORD."

"Prayer, scriptures, support from family and friends."

"Tons of patience and prayer."

"Prayer, temple attendance, callings, scriptures."

"prayer and scriptures."

"Praying, counseling, clinging to the Gospel, church attendance."

"Blessings, prayer, counseling, talking to friends."

"Song learned in Lutheran church titled ' god will take care of you'"

"Prayer."

"I prayed all the time. I became so close to my Heavenly Father, and He helped me understand that the Atonement could lighten my burdens in this case. When I finally turned everything over to Him, I was able to breathe and laugh every day. I was blessed with a good job and was better off than I ever had been during marriage. I finally made a friend, and talking to her was invaluable. I also used very unhealthy methods that actually contributed to a horrible addiction that I am still actively fighting."

"I used the simplicity of the Gospel. I turned to the scriptures and prayer in my times of need."

"Going back to church, realizing mistakes on both sides of the marriage (I was not the one who committed adultery), and not hating him anymore."

"Determination, scriptures, prayer, faith."

"Pray, positive thinking."

"Read BOM with sincere heart, seeking solace, comfort and understanding about the demise of my marriage."

"The Lord and Heavenly Father."

"Prayer and a ton of it. I felt like I walked my first year on my knees. I understand why people turn to drugs and such...it is a very painful experience."

"Teachings of the gospel, prayer reading the book of Mormon, tried to do more things with my family had to work more to support the family."

"Christ, faith, family support, my own strength and wisdom."

"Holding fast to the Church, continuing to be reliable, not talking to most people about what was going on. I am extremely resilient and just made myself keep going."

"Stayed active in church, kept busy with work."

"Prayer, therapy, reading, reflecting on Christ's suffering and his salvation."

"First meds, then the scriptures became my meds."

"PRAYER!"

"I did learn that my truest friend was my Savior. He didn't fix my marriage but He fixed me, every time I asked. He comforted me, and most of all through this trial and the healing power of the atonement, He molded me into a better person. He helped me to love and forgive those who had caused me pain. He took upon Himself my pain and freed me to forgive. He helped me to see that I can never fix others, but I can always change me. I listened to hymns, especially "How Firm a Foundation" ....when through fiery trials thy pathway should lie, my grace all sufficient shall be thy supply, the flames shall not hurt thee, I only design thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine."

"Turning it over to the Lord and one day at a time."

"At first I turned to alcohol...then to my Savior and lots and lots of prayer and church support."

"My testimony of course. God showed me an open door and I took it."

"Prayer, faith, scripture study, positive outlook on the future. To be frank, I was SO happy to get out of the situation that I did everything in my power to be self-sufficient and happy."

"Just depended on prayer and the power of discernment. Kept our daily routine and schedules as normal as possible."

"Increase of spiritual activities."

"THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS 'NORMAL PEOPLE', EACH IS UNIQUE"

Jack Christensen

"FORGIVE......HIM, FORGIVE YOURSELF."

"My method was knowing I REALLY did all I could to help my spouse. Over 20 years in counseling. Forgave him and put trust in him several time, because I believe in repentance and that people can change. I was supportive and did all I could to help him with his addiction and getting help. Faith in Jesus Christ and believing that He wouldn't want me living in the situaltion I was in."
"Going back to church, realizing mistakes on both sides of the marriage (I was not the one who committed adultery), and not hating him anymore."
"The hardest thing I've ever done is to forgive him for his crimes against me. He still bothers me so I have to remember to forgive him daily. Otherwise it festers inside of me and he is still in control. Then I focus on a dream I have for myself, and keep my mind riveted toward this end. He's ruined my past 32 years. I don't want my anger and hatred toward him to ruin my future as well."
"Let it go. Don't dwell on the bad. Fill your mind with positive thinking and ideas and dreams. The healing will happen much faster if you don't stay in that ugly place. Forgive him, leave it to God."
"I was angry with myself for letting it go on for so long. I was angry with myself for hiding the truth so that I had no support. I was angry for marrying him in the first place and not seeing the signs. I did not always handle things perfectly during the divorce. I was so emotionally beat up that I could not give myself a break. I had to finally forgive myself and realize that I was continuing his abuse of myself. It is hard, but I have to get in the habit of thinking positive thoughts only about myself."

FAMILY SHOULD BE YOUR GREATEST SUPPORT

"DON'T BE AFRAID TO LEAN/FOCUS ON FAMILY."

"Tried to stay close to family."
"Friends and family got me through."
"Relied on the lord, my education , family, friends, ward and my children to get me through. Tried to keep busy with school so I could graduate. I appreciate my family covering for me so I could do this."
"put everything into my daughter and provide for her myself." "Work, focusing on my kids, tried to be as strong as I could."
"Listened to music, read conference talks ... read scriptures with children morning and evening ... made fun family memories like "Harry Potter Parties" watching movies and drinking butter beer .... tried to make it as fun as possible for my children!"
"Any way I could. I stayed busy, always put my children's happiness first."
"I relied on my parents, cried to them, etc."
"I stayed very involved in Church, taking every opportunity to attend activities and for my son to be involved. I went to the Temple. I read lots of books. I made every aspect of my life about supporting my son and I financially and emotionally. I made sure everyday life had lots of routine so that my son knew he could count on me to take good care of him. I was always honest with him about what was going on as well. I tried my best for him to spend regular time with biological father as well."
"I also leaned heavily on my parents for emotional support."

SINGLE MOMS STRUGGLE WITH WORK AND RAISING FAMILIES

OTHER:

"medication"

"Keeping things normal, but being flexible for change."

"There was no method. I simply took a day at a time out of necessity."

"meds and forcing self to go on each day."

"kept to myself."

"Nothing changed really. My ex spent the last three years of our marriage in his room. He didn't even come our for dinner. I was already use to doing everything on my own."

"I didn't I fell apart for a long time, felt like I had failed my children and myself. Am currently dealing with long term health issues that were made worse by my divorce."

"ya know, the divorce although I thought would.destroy me at the time was cake.compared to raising the kids alone, and trying to get over abuse."

"He still won't leave me alone, so I've learned to laugh at his ridiculous behavior instead of letting it get me angry or hurt."

"Instinct. Unadulterated pure survival instinct. I honestly have no idea how I survived at all."

"Taking care of my daughter, pouring myself into my yard, credit cards."

"A lot of crying."

"Simplistic living, church welfare and family and friends. I also walked every night! A lot cheaper than therapy."

"I wrote a list of the bad things he did because I am a tender heart.. when I get down on myself and start to weaken in my resolve, I read my negative list and remind myself of why I left him and why I am where I am now."

"Worked lots of OT, started playing lots of golf, painted and re-arranged rooms in my house..."

"Distraction... kept very busy!"

"Just struggled through. On welfare. Couldn't go back to work for a long time. My 8th child was 3 months old when he went to prison for 8 1/2 years."

"Right or wrong, I clung to this new man who is my husband now."

"Can only take one day at a time, journaling."

"I was very decisive when it was time to leave & file. I never looked back, after giving it my all. And I didn't separate only to get back together. I was very guarded with how much & when I told my kids the real reasons & about their dad. I found employment right away that empowered me."

"Just keep going. Just keep going."

"tried to maintain sanity."

"Did all I could to keep it from happening, the. One day at a time, step by step. Prayer."

"I went into a cave until it was over."

MANY SINGLE WOMEN FINISH THEIR DEGREES

"Work, work, work (went back to finish my degree while working f/t at the university... kept the family going as normally as possible with their school, Church and routines... Went to LDS family services counseling for a while... tried to learn more deeply about being obedient to the Savior and His great love and Atonement, read the Book of Mormon and other scriptures, kept going to Church despite it all - as I felt the Savior would want me to - anyway! Kept on and kept trying to learn and heal and navigate through the difficulties. I tried to keep things civil but cool between my spouse after leaving that house and going through the divorce. Getting out of that house to my own place helped a great deal. I wish I could have kept better in touch with my older children as they chose not to move with me... just the younger two came. We moved 5 houses down the street so no bus routes had to change and they were neared their dad... I tried to be fair to him even if he was not to me... I felt I had to answer to a Higher Authority in the long run and do what was fair for the children and others too... He did not do the same in most cases, but on rare occasions made a few allowances. I kept in touch with my lawyer and she helped teach me my rights which helped me get through the confusion or the twists and turns in the family plan and divorce. And I prayed a lot!"

"Fight to stay alive.

"I moved."

"Prayer, church attendance, financial adjustments (I had to refinance my home, which I had owned for many years), counseling, asking for God's help in my efforts to forgive, support from friends. And I buried myself in graduate work (while working full-time) and got my MA. It was the only area in life where I felt that I would get back the good I put into it (meaning, do the work, do it well, and you get a good grade and graduate). I felt like everything else had let me down, including God."

"applied for government assistance."

"I kept a brave front, smiled, and didn't push people away."

"I moved closer to my family and took advantage of government program for job training."

"The support of family and friends and throwing myself into getting an education and taking care of my children whatever it took."

"prayer and lots of it...plunging myself into foreign surroundings....serving others....being in a natural disaster and putting others needs above myself was the best thing for me....being where no one knew me and truly starting over..."

STARTING A NEW LIFE CAN BE REWARDING IN THE END

QUESTION 40

40. WHAT ADVISE WOULD YOU GIVE TO SOMEONE

JUST STARTING THE DIVORCE PROCESS?

Number one answer:

"Pray often, stay close to the Lord, read scriptures, listen to Conference reports, go to the temple often."

No one understands like your Savior, and can direct you better.

A SMALL SAMPLE OF COMMENTS:

"Have a clear head, pray and be close to the spirit."
"Remember to keep your eye on Celestial glory and never waiver. Study and gain a better appreciation of the Atonement."
"Pray and rely on the Gospel."
"Pray about everything. Make sure it's what The Lord wants, not what you want. Stick with The Lord 100% of the way."
"Stay close to the Lord. Believe you are a child of God."
"Fast and pray."
"Be strong."
"Talk to God everyday and everynite and ask for his help to know what to do."
" Please turn your heart over to the Lord and He will heal it. He will lighten your burdens."
"Stay very close to scriptures and read spiritually led self-help books."
"Go to the temple a lot."
"Do not do it without knowing it is the path the Lord wants you to be on. I would love to tell them that divorce is hard, and it is, but for me this is so much easier and better than being married."
"Start everything and everyday with a prayer and keep the faith."
" Remember the Lord loves you!"
"Stay close to The Lord and pray often, ask for blessings as needed."
"Lots of prayer & temple going (if you can)."
"Be sure the Lord approve the decision then consult Him frequently."
"Stay close to gospel principles. Attend the temple."
"Pray, ask others to pray. Listen to the spirit and not the noise of other opinions in your head."
"Divorce will drive you away from or closer to the Lord. Choose to grow closer. Lean on Him. He is the gardener, and he has to prune us back to redirect our lives. The big picture won't make sense until further down the road, so for now, trust in His timeline, not yours."
"Stay true to Christ in obedience no matter what. Allow yourself to cry to Father in prayer and trust in Him... rely on the Atonement of Christ and his loving-kindness and strength to assist you through... read the Book of Mormon daily. Listen to General Conference. "
"Pray about it..if physical danger..get out sooner rather than later."
"Stay close to the Lord and believe in yourself."
"LISTEN TO YOUR BISHOP, RELIEF SOCIETY PRES, HOME AND VISITING TEACHERS."
"At first I was angry with God for letting me suffer so much during the divorce when I was the victim during the marriage, and the ex was the cheating abuser. Everyone took his side because I kept my mouth shut. No one would believe me when I tried to tell them anyway. In the end, the only one who was truly standing by me was my Savior. Church members may not be there for you during this trial, but God will be. Stay with HIM no matter what."

Number two answer:

"Be sure you have done all you can to save the marriage first."

BE ABSOLUTELY SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO

"Hope as long as you need to. When it's time to give up hope and move on, you'll know."
"Be absolutely sure you have done all you could to keep the marriage together. Did you go to counseling, by yourself to see if you were really causing alot of problems. Go to couples counseling."
"To think long and hard before you even decide to go there. Many, many times the things that keep us from loving someone else are really our own issues and not them. I realize this now. My hurt in my life when I was younger greatly affected how I saw my husband. Once my life was clear of that pain, I can see how I could have made different choices. So i would say - Be very, very sure this is what you want to do, because once you go there, you will forever put a rift in your relationship that is very, very hard to erase."
"Try to make it work if you can. Don't burn bridges. Try to be a parenting partner with your ex to your kids' best interest."
"Think carefully before you go down this road. If there's anything you can do to preserve your marriage, DO IT. Make certain that your decision to divorce has God's stamp of approval. If you've done all you can and have God's approval, you never have to look back and wonder about your role."
"Try doing that 'Love Dare' first (Fireproof movie). Make sure you have tried everything you can do to save your marriage. If there is abuse, however, then you should get out. "
"Do it prayerfully. Turn over EVERY stone to make it work first. Don't let pride get the best of you."
"Do everything you can to reconcile."
" I would say-- make sure that you have done everything you can to keep the marriage so that you can look back and say you did everything you could. This is one decision you don't want to regret for the rest of your life."
"Think hard. Sometimes the grass isn't greener."
"Go slowly. Sometimes it's with the divorce the spouse actually makes changes."
"Have a real good think at the reasons you want a divorce and is it worth all the heart ache."
"If it isn't an extreme problem... a husband sexually abusing them. a chronic cheater.... stay with him because what is out in the single ward is a MESS!"
"Make sure you cannot save the marriage. I am sad to see divorces over communication issues, boredom, etc. My husband was violent and unfaithful and didn't work. I finally felt I had no choice but to divorce in order to save my kids and myself."
"Make sure you can't just work it out. It is a lot of heart ache."
"Read the book Divorce Busting, by Michelle Weiner-Davis."
"DO everything in your power to make it work first. Then listen to your own inspiration. The Holy Ghost will help you know if it is the right thing for you."
"Work it out if you can. Even a "good" divorce is hard on your children. They will lose faith in their own eventual marriage."
"Make sure this is what you really want. Get help. Pray a lot!"
"Watch the movie "Fireproof". Make sure you have done everything you can possibly do before ending your marriage if there are children involved. Don't focus on fixing your spouse. Just focus on being the best spouse possible regardless of reciprocation. If kids are involved, never, never, never fight. Be kind, civil, be an "example of the believer."
"Make sure you have done absolutely everything you can do to salvage the marriage. Maybe modified some if there is an abusive situation."
"Try to avoid the divorce process my doing everything you can to work through the problems causing the demise of your marriage. Single is hard... remarriage is next to impossible..... it's harder alone."
"I tell them to not divorce if possible. I tell them to pray and God will help you. I tell them divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me but the worse thing for my children's testimonies."
"It's never better to stay together just for the kids. It's worth it in the end to make yourself healthy."
"Be prepared for lots of guilt trips, be absolutely sure you've done everything you could. Once you know that leaving the marriage is the right thing, don't delay. Just get out so you can start living again."
"Don't do it. I had no choice since he wanted it. Keep the kids out of it. It effects them in ways that shape their future relationships."
"Please do this only with tons of prayer. Being divorced is hard, make sure that it is the right choice."
"Divorce is a gift that keeps on giving. The band-aid keeps getting ripped off. It is hard to heal when injuries keep happening over and over. Try to work it out first."
"That if it is not infidelity, abuse, or addiction to do everything to work things out. To pray with all their hearts for God's will and then turn to Him for direction."
"Make sure it's the right thing for you...it is so hard...you need the Lord to be your partner more than you can even imagine..."
"If you can save your marriage- do it! Divorce is hard! If you have children then you will never escape the bad relationship that has been created by the divorce."
"Ten years earlier I had prayed and asked for permission to leave. The answer was "No, I am working with him, give Me more time." I made a deal to hold off until my youngest was 18, which was ten more years (of hell, I might add). Then God started opening my eyes to how bad my husband really was, and how much money he had been hiding from me. Had I got out when I did I would have been destitute, not having enough money or health to survive. When I did leave I had God's blessing, and He guided me every step of the way. Do not leave until you get the OK from your Heavenly Father. You will not survive divorce without HIS help."

Number three answer:

"Make sure you have a good support system with friends/family who will be available to listen and assist however needed."

A listening ear is absolutely necessary during a divorce.

"Make sure you have a good support system."
"Actively seek out any help you feel you need."
"Try to get support/help because it is so hard being a single mom."
"Don't be afraid to talk."
"Have someone a (good friend)to help give moral support and be a voice of reason when things just seem to crazy."
"Build up a good support system. I didn't, and it was a lonely and difficult road."
"Find a friend that will not care that you tell the same story over and over over and over."
"Don't sit at home, talk to people, get things out and off your mind and chest that are bothering you, we need that support network around us."
"Get a good social support system underneath you if you can...you are going to need it! Just having someone to talk to is so important. Having friends you can trust and do things with so that you don't feel so alone is equally important."
"Be wise. Talk to someone. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need."
"Make sure you have friends and family to help you through it.."
"Find a good support system."
"Don't tell everyone, but don't be ashamed to tell those closest to you either."
"Make sure you have support, find friends that understand what you are going through."
"Find someone to talk to who can help you navigate the challenges of going through a divorce."
"Work closely w/your bishop & surround yourself w/good people you trust."
"Seek good and wholesome support system/people around you to help you stay focused on the good and right and important things in life and let go of the "stuff"..."
"Lean on and trust in the Lord."
"Let your friends, family, ward, help, you don't have to go through it alone."
"Stay strong, turn to your friends, get support from your ward leaders."
" Find a good trusted friend, that will listen and give solid advice."
"BUILD A SUPPORT TEAM IN ADVANCE WHO KNOW YOUR PLAN."
"Build a team of those you can trust, know his problems are not your fault."
"Before announcing your intentions to your spouse, get together with those in your life that you think you can trust to stand by you. Tell them of your plans and ask for their support. Plan to meet weekly over lunch, movies, etc, as your support group. And don't be surprised if some cannot handle the pressure and bail on you. It is common. Cling to the ones that stay and plan a reward trip or outing when it is all over to thank them for their support."

Number four answer:

"Get professional counseling/training/support group help for yourself and the children."

Professionals can help you navigate the stress of divorce, as well as emotionally support the children.

"Go to the Great Life Trainings."
"Get counseling, be prepared ahead of time."
"Get all your ducks in a row and prepare for the battle of your life."
" If you can, get yourself some counseling, and your children. Experts say that virtually all children blame themselves for divorce, and they do it in ways that don't make sense, like maybe- "if I'd just brushed my teeth like they said, this wouldn't be happening." Make sure your kids' needs are taken care of."
"Therapy!"
"Find a DivorceCare group."
"Get therapy for you & your children."
"Be patient, get into some therapy, don't let your emotions control you."
"Get into therapy, keep a journal to vent their feelings, don't make any decisions that aren't imperative for survival."
"Take advantage of therapy."
"Seek professional counseling to help get through."
"Find a trustworthy counselor."
"The counselor that my children went to made all the difference in the world for them. They are in a good place even though their father was manipulating them during the divorce. It is a hard thing for kids to go through, if not the hardest.......the church is not set up to give that kind of support to the children.....they need to have a place to go that is neutral while their parents are at war with each other and they are hearing crazy things that they don't know what to do with. They tend to blame themselves for the divorce otherwise. It's a must."
"Going to a counselor did not resolve my problems, but I got a lot of validation when I was having to stand alone and fight for what was best for me and the children. It felt good to have a cheerleader, even if she was being paid to do it. Most of my friends jumped ship on me, I learned who my true friends were. My counselor gave me peace of mind that I wasn't crazy. She was also the first one to diagnose my husband as a narcissistic sociopath."

Number five answer:

"Make sure you have the best lawyer possible to represent both your needs and that of the children."

A GREAT ATTORNEY IS A MUST, YOUR WHOLE FUTURE DEPENDS ON IT

"Look at options and get a good lawyer with your best interest and your children's best interest as the focus."
"Fight and have a good attorney."
"Don't run and hide. If you need a divorce make sure you know and get the legal action taken care of."
"Get the best attorney you can even if it puts you in debt."
"Make sure you get a good lawyer, one who will fight for you."
"If you have children, get a lawyer to help you work through the legal paperwork."
"Get an aggressive attorney. Mine was a nice guy, but didn't fight for me or my kids. He was a peacemaker, but it means that my kids are still abused by their dad, and no one cares about it."
"Get a good attorney."
"Get a good solicitor."
"Get a good lawyer. Write out what it is you want legally before you talk to your lawyer. Communicate in writing with your soon to be ex. Records are very important. If you can't talk kindly without arguing, e-mail each other. Just remember that he may turn the emails into the judge, write like you are writing for the judges eyes."
"Get a really good lawyer."
"Hire a good attorney that can handle the appropriate arrangements."
"I went through quite a few attorneys before I found one that worked hard for me. Do your homework. Ask friends that you know who have been divorced who the best attorneys are. You will need a 'bull-dog" or you will lose everything. This is only the most important trial of your life. Your whole future depends upon the outcome. And don't expect him/her to be 'Perry Mason' equipped with private detectives who do all the work for you. You will have to prove everything yourself, come up with all the evidence in your case. You will have to push the case along. Do mediation if possible."

Number six answer:

"Stay active in church, no matter what."

Don't miss a day of church, even if you have to move to a new ward to find acceptance.

"Stay active in the church and close to your Heavenly Father. Just because your temple marriage is falling apart, it doesn't mean that you are a bad person or that the church or plan of salvation is a lie. Remember that everyone has their free agency and if your spouse uses their free agency to make poor choices, you may/will be affected, but Heavenly Father still loves you!"
" keep the church close (find a receiving ward)."
"Stay with the church."
"Go to church, even if you just sit in the foyer."
"Accept that it is a difficult time, even if you want the divorce. Stay active. Serve."
"Stay active and serve, attend appropriate anon group if that applies."
"To stay close to the Lord even when you don't feel like it. To keep going to church."
"Stay active."
"Stay close to the the Lord and active in Church."
"Ward members will not understand, just plan on it. But it does not change the fact that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true. If it is too uncomfortable to attend church in your own ward because of gossip, etc, visit other wards. The best thing to do is to move altogether, if possible. But don't make your life worse by cutting yourself off from the church and it's spiritual nourishment. Do not put an end to your own personal and eternal salvation because of a few ignorant ward members."

TAKE EXTRA CARE TO MEET YOUR PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, & SPIRITUAL

NEEDS WHILE UNDER EXTREME STRESS

Number seven answer:

"Take good care of yourself."

"First and foremost, take care of yourself. No one else will!"
"If you need a break, don't feel guilty- have someone you trust take the kids while you take the time you need to sort things out or get away. Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Tomorrow will be better."
"Give yourself time, look for the good and beautiful in your life. Ask the Lord to help you let it go - don't hang on to bitterness and hurt. Be patient with the process."
"Be patient with yourself and accept help."
"Take time for yourself. Cry. Scream. Pray. Talk. Read and research."
"Stay true to yourself and God."
"Take it minute by minute. Focus on takin care of yourself and let someone else help your family for several weeks."
"Keep the daily routine as life goes on... appreciate the little beauties of nature, keep things simple, simplify your life, cut out extra activities that add to the unnecessary stress for all..."
"Find some things to enjoy doing in the process so that life isn't so oppressive."
"Learn to love yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve but do something possitive daily. Take time to be outside. It has a cleansing effect. Take pictures of you and your children having fun. They need visuals of the "New Unit" in your home having fun are vital for all involved. Take down old family pictures of a unit they can not have. Have the ex picture small in the childrens bedroom but not the main livingroom or in photo album accessable to the children. Have children take showers after they return from a custody visit and change clothes it helps them re-program back to your house rules faster without the days of bad behavior or have custody drop off and pick up at the school for a buffer of time so the child can be themselves."
"When under this kind of stress, it is even more important to take care of yourself physically. Make sure you are getting plenty of sleep (even if you need to get some sleep aids), eat right, exercise, and find some kind of outlet. I would take a drive once a week through the mountains and enjoy the beauty while listening to positive and relaxing music. Still fix yourself up in the morning, look your best, and set goals for your new life outside of 'prison.'"

Number eight answer:

"Curb negative remarks about your spouse, especially to your children."

"It never ends and the children's father will always be their dad so be careful what you say in front of them."
"Don't talk negatively about your X; especially to or in front of the kids."
"Try to make it work if you can. Don't burn bridges. Try to be a parenting partner with your ex to your kids' best interest."
"Don't talk negatively about your former spouse."
"Make sure your kids know there not at fault. Stay as close of friends with their dad as you can, never fight or call them names in front of them. Do what is best for you and the children."
"Don't blabber and bad-talk your spouse, esp. to the kids. Tell the kids that they know right from wrong and just because their parents are getting divorced doesn't mean they can act up and choose the wrong path."
"Take an inventory of the relationship, it's never just one sided - there's always some things that each of us did that contributed to the failure of the marriage. But don't take all the blame either. If you have kids, keep their lives and schedules as normal as possible - DON'T PUT DOWN THEIR OTHER PARENT IN FRONT OF THEM, or drag them into adult situations. It will come back to bite you one day. If the other parent is less than steller that will manifest itself, they don't need your help, take the higher road."
"The true character of your spouse will reveal itself if it hasn't already. It just makes you look bad to trash talk their father. Someday, when they are older and more mature, they may ask you for the truth. But when you are in the middle of it, they won't believe you anyway."

Number nine answer:

"Plan out the divorce in advance of filing, be prepared."

"Get legal advise. Get a job before you even tell your spouse you are thinking of divorce. If school is needed, go to school. See if your Bishop is supportive."
"Plan it out. Look at options. Learn your rights."
"Get counseling, be prepared ahead of time."
"Get ur finances in order."
"Start planning before you take action, & make sure you put aside funds to help you make the transition!"
"Prepare for it to be a tough road. Reach out to support groups who can get you in touch with legal advice, mental health support, safety advice if you need it - all before you start the process so you know how to put a plan in place and a back up. It will help you feel more in control of decisions and give you support that is much needed."
"Prepare! Financially, emotionally, legally, physically. Find a good lawyer and a therapist or friend you can trust. Don't count on your ex to have your best interest at heart, you have to look after that yourself. "
"Research your rights."
"Know the plan before the paperwork. Have your life in order. Because you may not get what your asking. Don't let Lawyers talk you into things. You are paying them. You tell them what you want."
"Don't be afraid to explore options."
"GET YOUR FINANCIAL LIFE IN ORDER, PUT CREDIT CARDS UNDER YOUR NAME, AND TAKE YOUR NAME OFF OF HIS BEFORE HE SADDLES YOU WITH HIS DEBTS. BUILD YOUR OWN CREDIT SCORE. PUT ASIDE MONEY FOR A GOOD ATTORNEY. DON'T GIVE UP ON GETTING WHAT YOU NEED TO SURVIVE, AND TAKE CARE OF KIDS, IF NEC."
"When you announce to your husband that you are divorcing him, make sure your attorney freezes all assets before he can abscond with anything. He will be more anxious to settle. Make sure that you have his child support automatically withdrawn from his account each month. He is not taxed on 'alimony' but you are. It also disappears when you remarry or co-habitate. In most states you are entitled to as many years as you were married. Call it monthly installments of your 'property settlement.' If he owns a business, you own half of it. Make sure you get paid what it's worth to buy you out. Cash in your life insurance policy before he does. Get everything that has your names on it jointly changed. Everything he does or does not do will affect your credit otherwise. Get a credit card in your name and use it to pay for everything, including your bills. Use the points earned for things like travel, even Christmas for your kids."

Number ten answer:

"Talk with those who have gone through divorce."

"Talk with other people that have gone thru it."
"Talk to someone experienced who could give helpful advice on the process."
"Have someone look over the settlement options so there's an unemotional review to protect you."
"Find other divorcees to help."
"Confide in someone you can talk to about difficult feelings important to seek out someone who has gone through the process and has similar values."
"Sit down with a pad and paper and ask another couple who have been through divorce what was helpful to them and what to watch out for. Especially if it took place in the state that you live in now. They will know the laws there and what you will be dealing with legally. Take good notes and then refer to them often. When questions come up, don't be afraid to call and ask them more questions. The more information you have going into it, the better the outcome. Keep a notepad with you. You will get impressions along the way, don't hesitate to follow them. Allow the Holy Ghost to be your 'expert' above all others."

IT FEELS LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD AT THE TIME, BUT IT DOES GET BETTER

Number eleven answer:

"Know that it is a very painful experience, that it is disorienting, but that it will pass and eventually get better."

"Just get up everyday and put one foot in front of the other. Push through. It gets better."
"Get up each morning and deal with only what you have to deal with that day."
"Know that it's very disorienting and the "fog" will eventually pass."
"Stay strong, it gets better a little at a time."
"Hang in there, it does get better."
"Brace yourself for the pain. It is more painful than I have ever imagined!"
"When you know in your heart and feel in your soul it is right, then don't let what other people gossip about hurt you. They just don't know.....problem is they think they know. And it does get better."
"One day at a time."
"The one thing that helped me a lot was when friends and family who had been through it before told me that it would get better over time. Eventually it wouldn't hurt at all. I kept reminding myself of that all along. It definitely gets better, it has been 2 years now. Every day is better than the last. Someday I will hardly think of it at all."

Hold the husband to his responsibility in caring for the children.

Number eleven answer:

"Protect yourself, do not 'give away the store' just to rush the divorce."

"I would say don't forget about you- don't leave everything with your spouse just to get the divorce over with quickly. Make sure you have enough of your stuff for somewhat comfortable living."
"Don't be afraid to stand up for your best interests and those of your kids."
"Be careful financially because he will destroy you."
" Kids first."
"Don't back down, don't take no for an answer."
"MAKE HIM BE RESPONSIBLE, DON'T LET HIM OFF THE HOOK FOR HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO THE CHILDREN FINANCIALLY."
"Know the plan before the paperwork. Have your life in order. Because you may not get what your asking. Don't let Lawyers talk you into things. You are paying them. You tell them what you want."
"I would have put religious restrictions in the divorce decree ensuring the children's going to church, I would have put a contingency for their father to help the kids with college. He was a doctor so they didn't qualify for grants or loans."
"Often the husband will see your anxiety to get it over with and he will try to use that to his advantage and rush you into making decisions just to get it over with. Let him know that you have all the time in the world, will do what ever it takes to get certain things. Let him know what you want and that you will not budge no matter how long it takes. Then hang on. Make your demands higher as time goes on, not lower. Your goal is not to screw him over, but to do what is fair for you and your children. He will most probably not be thinking of that. Remember, the decisions you make now will affect you the rest of your life. So be firm. Don't act afraid or ruffled. If needed, have a cheerleader in your life who will remind you to be tough."

Number twelve answer:

"Don't jump into another relationship before you have time to heal."

Give yourself time to heal before jumping into another relationship.

"Do not seek another relationship until you have regained your own self-esteem."
"Wait a year in most cases before seriously dating again! In case if abuse, women need that time to heal and form positive relationships with their children and healthy relationships with those around you."
" Wait at least a year before getting into a steady relationship. You have to mourn your old relationship, not replace it, or it will come back to haunt you."
"To not date until you feel healed."
"Don't let people tell you when/if to date and what to do. Don't get involved in another relationship too soon."
"Stay away from the opposite sex even in well-meaning friendship/helping, don't date or seek a new relationship at all for a minimum or a year or so... to have time to reflect and heal and know yourself better.... "
"Right after a divorce I was a mess. I needed time to get reacquainted with myself. I had lost my identity as a mother and wife and needed to find myself before becoming involved with someone else. I did get involved in the Church Single's programs just to make some friends. It was the best thing to keep involved and active. I was finally called by my first name again. I tried dating but I wasn't ready yet. Just be patient and give yourself time."
"Do NOT lean on any males during the divorce, you are at a very vulnerable point and it can only lead to trouble. Even if nothing happens, it can be made to look like trouble, and that the divorce is your fault because of it."

Other common "nuggets" of wisdom:

"Stay strong and don't hesitate to ask for help."
"Decide from the start to not be bitter. grieve as necessary and forgive and let go."
"My advice would be to talk about it sparingly. Venting is okay but again sparingly. Build your confidence and focus on raising happy and healthy children."
"Move to a new location!"
"Everyone will give you advice from every angle, solicited and especially unsolicited, and though they mean well, at some point you have to turn off the voices and decide what is best for you and your family."
"Don't expect any help from the church."
"It would get worse before it gets better. Feels like a failure, but it's a learning process. Accept it,learn from it and become stronger and wiser in the process. The Lord loves you, and He will be there every step of the way."
"Wait to date until AFTER THE DIVORCE IS FINAL!!!!! This will give you so much peace knowing that you did it The Lords way."
"Pray. Go to a professional, stay away from any church counseling...including bishopric counseling. Get outside of the typical Mormon ideas, because getting a divorce rips apart the idea that one can be a LDS woman in Zion. Keep your faith and testimony. Don't miss ONE Sunday. Keep paying your tithing."
"People will say stupid things but usually they think they are being kind. Don't take it personally. Remember that the one that you really can depend on is the Savior. He is the only one that really knows how to help you the best."
"Don't ever put your kids in the middle of it."
"Find someone to advise you that is not emotionally involved in the divorce. Do not rush the divorce and give yourself time to think through the process. Decisions that are made emotionally are not always the best decisions for everyone."
"There is hope and it will get better. read, look for teachers in your life, go to Single Adult activities and stay strong in church. Recognize people are people and the church is true."
"Most importantly, don't use the children as tools to hurt your ex. Protect them from contention as much as possible."
"Just do it. Don't look back."
"Don't tell everything to everyone, especially when upset about something."
"That first meeting with the court sets rules that are difficult to undo...Try to know what you want or have someone experienced guide you. Do not play moody music or sad songs...Do not expect to pick up where you left off with another person...it is a whole new ballgame.."
"Don't assume that everyone is black and white in their marital assessments, just because there is abuse is not always an obvious reason to some. Don't be surprised when some friends bail out because they don't want to get involved or have to take sides."
"Good luck!"
"Be patient with yourself, you don't know how long or short the grieving/healing process will take. Do not demonize your ex to your children. Make sure you 'know' this is what you are supposed to do."
"Keep your dignity and don't make decisions based on emotions only."
"Don't expect it to be easy. Don't think that you suddenly become happy, or that you will be friends with your ex. It takes hard work."
"Do it with integrity and honor."
"PLEASE DO NOT THINK YOU ARE ALONE. KNOW THAT YOUR AGE IS IRRELEVANT TO THE PAIN. I MAY BE YOUNG BUT I KNOW YOUR PAIN. FIND THOSE WHO HAVE A WILLING SHOULDER READY TO HANDLE YOUR TEARS, HOME MADE ICE CREAM, AND WILL BE THERE FOR YOU. DO NOT ALLOW BITTERNESS TO OVERCOME YOU, LET THE LORD AND HIS ATONEMENT HELP YOU. SIMPLE JUST FOR THE ASKING. GO TO THE TEMPLE OFTEN, GET LOTS OF HUGS, REMEMBER THAT GOD LOVES YOU, AND THAT YOU ARE HIS DAUGHTER."
"Be resonable and DON"T involve the children in any negative way. AND most important take responsibilty for what YOU did wrong in the marriage, even if it was marrying the wrong person and why you chose them."
"Get out into the world more."
"Don't fight or perpetuate the bickering but be as kind as possible - everyone in the family is hurting in a divorce. Learn better coping skills and improvements in behavior...make life decisions prayerfully and carefully, do not rush into anything without researching it out first....Try to keep balance in life as you move forward and not become self-absorbed through depression or anger or pain... but to eventually allow the Lord to teach you to forgive and love yourself and others more purely and safely... know your boundaries and live within them and help others know when you are nearing the boundary edge and stop and detach/withdraw from them at that time - never to allow yourself to go over that edge, if at all possible... Allow for some "down" days for the blahs and for recuperation too... this all is very stressful and takes its toll on our bodies and minds...Keep a sense of humor handy too. You're going to need it - along with the spiritual nourishment and inspiration too.."
"Do it! Just realize your mental and physical health are worth it. The hell with church stereotyping and shunning, you are worth it! Don't let your fear of what other people might think paralyze you from doing what you need to do, especially if you are in an abusive, cheating, addict relationship."
" It is only a big drama fest if you allow it to be. And that is never good."
"To not feel guilty about it. To allow themselves to feel how they are going to feel. And to give themselves time."
"Know that life can be good, new relationships can be built even with a divorce as part of your history."
"Do whatever is best for your own life, spirituality and health. Otherwise, there's nothing left of you to give to anyone else. Find a job if you do not have one, and do NOT start relying on the church to take care of you. Too many women think they can have the life they had as a stay-at-home mom. I was very lucky to have had a long career, and I also know what it is like to be a single mom with kids (from years ago). The way forward does not involve relying on church welfare. I see women who are several years into a divorce and can't get their acts together. We are fast developing an entire community of helpless, dependent people (men as well as women) if we do not require people to do all they can for themselves."
"Do it prayerfully. Keep focus on the relationships that matter (God first, family and trustworthy friends). The right priorities and examples to your kids in the process will make a difference. Pray for the power to forgive... It's very liberating. All involved are children of God... Very loved no matter what their role in the pain is. Lean on Him and other things will work out the way they should. My divorce was a blessing and opened my life up for blessings I never imagined. If you gave it your best, hold your head up and move forward with the knowledge that divorce is not the end. You are as worthwhile now as you were before."
"Serve others....stay busy....seek counseling....listen to the lord. exercise or find some physical outlet....this helped me a ton and i need to go back to it."
"Get it over with as soon as possible. Don't worry about stuff. Your kids are the most important thing in the whole picture. Don't let him move back in with you unless he keeps his promises 100% for at least one year consistently. Don't let him guilt trip you about anything! Listen to your heart! You know what is true and what is a lie! You know what you need! Make sure you get what you need! Remember that you are loved and no one can take that away from you no matter what they say! Don't listen to negative people. Surround yourself with beautiful and uplifting things! You are worth it! Stop eating junk food. Start to work out. Hug your kids more and look for ways that you are blessed. Only say nice things about people, even though it is sometimes hard. Laugh and have fun. Take lots of pictures of your kids so that you have good memories of this time with them, and you will not have to erase all memories of this time from your life. Be kind to yourself. Remember that you are doing the best that you can with what you've got, and that is all you need to do. Smile! :)."
"First be strong and have faith! BE POSITIVE! Hang in there and don't give up...pray and read scriptures daily. Mingle with other members in the church that are single and actively participate in the programs :)."
"Go to counselling. I discovered a year and a half into my new marriage that I have PTSD. Knowing that sooner would have saved me from so much more heartache and pain. Luckly I married a good enough man to stand by me and support me. Don't jump into anything because of Loneliness. You will only get hurt more in the process. Know what youre looking for. Have fun, make new friends, and once you feel secure in who you are look for someone that is just as up-beat and postive as you."
"BE AWARE OF FALSE FRIENDS WHO GET INFO FOR GOSSIP."
"My friends fell into 3 groups, those who supported me no matter what, those who went into hiding until it was over, and those who turned on me and contributed to the character assassination, which naturally comes with divorce. It was a very painful experience, but, I have replaced many lost friends with new ones, and am grateful to know that the ones I have now will have my back when needed in the future."
"My daughter's mother-in-law gave her some good advice when she said 'never judge people by their behavior while going through a divorce. It brings out the ugliest side of everyone. They will all get back to normal when it's over.'"

Divorce can bring out the ugliest in anyone.

NUMBER TWELVE ANSWER:

"I would like to not be treated like a 'man-eater.'"...........................................1.46%

"The women in the ward suddenly acted weird around me and would cling to their husbands. I'm sorry, I didn't want your husband before I was divorced, and I don't suddenly want them now, in fact sometimes I wonder why YOU want him....."

"I think it is funny, my husband is the cheater....yet they coddle him and are afraid of ME. Like I am suddenly a threat to their marriage. What is that? I am the victim and they surround him with support? If there is anyone they should be fearing it is HE."

THE MYTH OF DIVORCED WOMEN WANTING YOUR HUSBAND

NUMBER THIRTEEN ANSWER:

"I would like it to have stayed private in the ward.".......................................1.46%

"By not gossiping."

"During my ex husbands excommunication, my bishop allowed members of the high counsel to tell details of my ex's church court. We lived in a small community and my children were shunned and condoms were put all over the outside of my home. The bishop and stake president told me and my kids that we had to leave town."

"He did the best he could... he was young and learning too.However - he could have made sure that if he needed to speak to anyone in the Bishopruic or if anyone one else was present while discussing my "situation" or issues that they absolutely understand they may NOT tell anyone else in the ward including their spouses... I had non-related brothers and others come to me a tell me what they knew about personal dealings and progress in my standing at Church, etc., and others "talking" about me on speculation or avoiding me... Also after I immediately sought willingly repentance and then work toward re-entry to the Church, having the Priesthood leaders/Bishop not drag their feet or forget about me for several years, would have helped immensely to have hope and not feel so outcast... finally the stake President got things rolling... Although I did trust in the Lord's timing and tried to use the time to get myself to be ever mindful of keeping the Commandments on a more personal level, the long drawn out waiting caused much internal suffering and frustration and Satan had a field day with me at times... I clung to the Savior and learned from Father in Heaven privately anyway and tried to understand that these are just humans with flaws too - and to hang on... Finally was able to be re-baptized and then eventually after a few more years to regain the temple blessings and all restored... (sigh) It was a long arduous journey to which I am not sure many others would endure through... I am glad it is behind me and I have learned so much since then..."

"My husband was the cheater, but my husband started rumors that he caught me cheating. It was passed around by the ward first counselor."

41. Did you and your spouse get counseling while you were married?

Yes, a lot............................................................................15.6%
Yes, a little.........................................................................26.6%
No, didn't think of it............................................................6.9%
No, he refused...................................................................30.6%
No, we couldn't afford it.....................................................4.0%
Yes, through the church resources.....................................10.4%
Yes, through private means.................................................5.8%

TOO MANY LOOK BACK WITH REGRET FOR HAVING DIVORCED,

THOUGH MOST FELT IT WAS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY

42. Looking back, do you regret getting a divorce and wish you could have worked it out instead?

Yes, I wish we hadn't done it, we should have worked it out...........13.9%
No, it was absolutely necessary........................................................86.1%

SUGGESTION: WRITE OUT A DETAILED LIST OF WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

43. What changes are you making in looking for your next relationship (if any)?

A SMALL SAMPLE OF COMMENTS:
First I need to get myself whole, and heal from the past.

"Making sure i am healed so old baggage doesnt carry over in to new relationship."
"I have made so many changes in myself, my life, my attitude and have found healing from childhood wounds. Those were absolutely necessary before moving on. And I have done a lot of emotional healing work coupled with understanding the Atonement."
"Making sure that I'm worthy of the kind of man that I want/need for me and my children. Trying to forgive. Trying to let go of the past."
"Counseling to understand my own patterns of codependency."
"Working on myself."
" Become a whole person now rather than waiting for someone to 'complete me'; take care of myself better physically, mentally and spiritually."
"I have looked at the qualities of abuse that I was drawn too..I am again divorced from an alcoholic, who fell off the wagon after marriage. I never want to end up in that situation again. I have friends who meet the guy I am dating and tell me their impressions too."
"I am working hard to shed the natural man and become who I am. I'm not as much doing it for a future spouse as I am for myself and my children and my God. I have a healthier perception of my worth, and so I know that I won't fall for someone again who will exploit my low self esteem."
"I am making sure I know who I am and have a better self esteem before I look for some one else so that my needs are met also within a relationship."
"Tell what is bothering me before I grow angry and express it the wrong way. Be more talkative Express gratitude and appreciation more often Be more open to criticism."
"Understanding myself. Not compromising. Being real. Trust instincts. Love self."
"More confidence! Following The Lord more."
"I'm working on my self esteem so I won't settle next time."
"Have myself in a confident, loving place."
"I am working on not being critical and judgmental, or trying to change a potential partner. If I don't like somethings about them while dating I need to learn to live with it or move on. Also, any future spouse must have the similar life goals and expectations."
"It has taken me 24 years to let go and going to sit in the Temple grounds has made me think that now I should do something for me and start looking again for a new partner."
"Trying to set boundaries that are clear with myself..Dropping coy and flirtiness for flirtiness sake and trying to be ttrue to myself as well as kind."
"I tried to see what my contributions were to the breakup and how to not bring those into a second marriage."
"I'm taking a hard look at myself. I loved the info in How to Avoid Falling In Love With a Jerk by John Van Epp. It was recommended by my counselor and has completely changed how I view relationships & how to see the 'red flags.'"
"Focusing on healing myself and understanding my own strengths and weaknesses. I would want to receive counseling from both bishops and I would want to know why his prior marriage dissolved. I would do a background check and talk with a variety of people who know him. I would also seek couples therapy before marriage."
"I have changed the parts of me that weren't great. I may not have been the cause of the divorce, but I needed to work on my self esteem, and other things."
"Trying to continue living the gospel to the best of my ability."
"I pray that I will only be attracted to worthy men and that I, myself, will be worthy of them."
"Not blaming myself for anything other than my own behavior. I can only control myself and my own actions. I'm trying to learn to trust again."
"Taking my time, changing the way I look at things and think about marriage, and staying close to the Spirit."
"Being absolutely sin-free and able to get confirmation from HG."
"Just trying to understand myself, learn better self-management, learn the Gospel of Jesus Christ and of Him more deeply as I can, get out of debt slowly but surely, learn what friendship is and learn to be a good friend and so try to seek out those who can be safe, good friends... keep a sense of humor. be a thankful person, kind, caring, understanding, honest and loyal... and seek those qualities in others... keep to the boundaries I have learned I need, and not let anyone control me or threaten me... let go of unhealthy people and ideas - even about romance, etc., limit what media I read/watch/listen to - to wholesome, uplifting, hopeful themes, when possible... to keep positive and to help stay motivated to keep working and getting through."
"Realizing I have value and worth and they were wrong in judging me."
" Doing my best to get stronger emotionally."
"I've gotten lots of therapy, worked through the abuse issues."
"I'm not sure if I want another relationship. This was so painful and my trust in men is extremely low. It has been a long recovery for me. I have been taught through the spirit, the things about myself that I can do to change. I'm trying not to dwell on past mistakes, but learning to not make them again is the real lesson."
"I am working to be the kind of person I want to attract. I deserve happiness."
" I want to be authentic in how I live and how I serve. I'm trying to be healthier and develop my interests and talents."
"I am making these changes in myself: I am learning more about myself and accepting who I am even with my faults. I am learning about the atonement. I am not worthless. I have great worth! I am finding and using my voice more and being assertive about what I need and want. I am less co-dependent and finding that I am a real person, not just an extension of someone else. I am treating myself better. I stopped eating sugar, started to run a little again, and started to read the scriptures again. I am dejunking not only my house, but my mind as well! I am throwing out all of the junk that does not serve me. I am reaching out to make new friendships and having more fun too. I will be signing up for a swing dance class soon. I am scared, but it is exciting too. It feels like I have been living in a cave for so long, and now I am just starting to come out and into the sun again. The numbness is starting to wear off and I am starting to love myself and actually live."
" I need to learn to love myself first."
"After many years of emotional and verbal abuse and chronic lying, it takes me a while to build myself back up to where I used to be. I also have to reconstruct my life upon the truth and sift through all of the lies I have been believing. I find out more everyday, realizing how bad I had it. I feel like I have been let out of prison. Many are angry with me for breaking it up, but I knew that God finally granted me permission, and His opinion is the one that matters. I am standing up for myself now. No more door mat life for me. No more pretending to be the 'perfect Mormon family.' I have PTSD, and many health issues due to the constant stress, but I am putting myself first for a change, and am getting well."

Take it slow.

"Go slow and get spiritual confirmation."
"Take time to really get to know him before we move the relationship too fast."
"Next time will take things very slow, not get involved in a serious relationship too quickly, will be friends with many singles first, try dating a few different people, don't settle."
"I'm not quite ready for the next relationship yet...although I wish I was. I know I will be looking for some VERY different qualities this time around, and I will be a LOT more observant as to how he interacts with others and what kind of relationship he has with family members, friends, etc. I was naive to a lot before...not any more!"
"I will take plenty of time and get to know him better before marriage, and try to be sure that we want the same things out of life."
"Slow relationship so that I knew my future spouse well."
"Just taking my time, trying to be patient and trust Heavenly Father. "
"really taking my time to get to know me and then when ready for a serious relationship taking the time to really get to know him....people lie....and most that lie arent even honest with themselves."
"Right after a break up we are looking for someone to rescue us. We are very vulnerable, not a good time for choosing a mate. I am taking it slow and enjoying the single's scene, making friends, having fun. I am moving forward very cautiously. I don't want to go through THAT ever again!"

Make sure I know everything about him, past, present, future

"Knowing a lot about the person I marry - take my time and be in lots of different life situations with them. knowing their past better."
"Make sure i realy know the person."
"I'm looking at his actions more than hearing his words."
"My courtship will be longer (dating for almost a year before becoming engaged). This gives the opportunity for fine tuning some things, and avoiding some big upsets, before we're married."
""I would go into a relationship with my eyes wide open, remember what is important, love of the gospel, family, kindness, trust, integrity."
"Make sure that everyone is on the same page."
"Working as hard as I can to keep close and connected."
"While I was dating the guy I am now married to, I got onto his computer while he was out of the room to check out where he had been. I could see no sign of porn or anything else inappropriate. I asked questions of my friends about his behavior when I was not there with him, like at parties somewhere else. I met some of his family, and his kids to see what that relationship was like. We talked a lot in person, through texting, emails, and learned more and more what we had in common, and the few things we differed on. We spent a lot of time together and I saw him in every circumstance. He was always a gentleman (even when I wasn't around). He never spoke ill of anyone, and adores his parents and brothers. He has many friends, and takes care of everyone in his circle of influence. I did my homework, and when I couldn't live without him any longer, I married him! I never knew I could be so happy."

He will have to be genuine in the church, temple worthy, church attending....

"They have to be living the gospel fully now. temple attending and love of family."
"I have trust issues and am looking at how strong they are Church-wise."
"Try this time not to marry outside the church."
"He must not just hold a temple recommend, but hold it honestly."
"Temple recommend does not mean they are worthy."
"Realize I'm worthy of someone with the same spiritual and physical goals as myself."
"I would never marry outside of the church. Hopefully the temple."
"Temple Marriage."
"Seeking an active member."
"Going to the temple regularly, reading scriptures every night with my fiancé, talking about how to serve others and ask those questions while dating instead of finding out afterwards."
"I thought I'd married a worthy Priesthood holder the first time."
"I will marry in the temple, or not at all."
"I don't know, how does one see past fake Priesthood holders?"
"That he held a Temple Recomend and loved the Lord and was in good standing..."
"I want someone as committed to the Gospel As I am. More committed to his covenants than to himself."
"I DID ENVY SOME OF THE WOMEN IN THE WARD BECAUSE THEY LOVED THEM ENOUGH TO MARRY THEM IN THE TEMPLE, WHICH I WANT NEXT TIME."
"My first husband was cheating on me for 32 years, all the while he was serving in church callings (such as Bishop, stake presidency, seminary teacher......). I want someone who is genuine. I want someone who loves the Lord like I do, and not for show."

SEEKING A LIFE PARTNER, AN IMPORTANT DISCOVERY PERIOD

He will need to have certain qualities

"Someone emotionally healthy."
"I am more aware of the fact that because someone served a mission doesn't make them a good person. I pay attention to the details of the persons activities."
"Effective communication, and learn what their primary love language is so we can start the right way."
"Someone who is mentally stable, and treats me with respect."
"Trustworthy."
"Trust and respect."
"He has to place others well-fair above his own."
"Someone who has personal integrity, character and conviction."
"Someone who is more playful, who will do things with me, who cares about me."
"I'm looking for someone that I truly love instead of settling."
"Being way too careful....references, background check - seriously.....after I meet them and give them a chance of course."
"It scares me to death. I haven't found anyone yet that can answer these three questions: 1. Do you righteously have a temple recommend? 2. Do you have a positive relationship with you children? 3. Do yo have a job? I don't have to ask the questions, time tells. I guess I will wait before I make a commitment. What I thought I married the first time changed after we were married. So I guess I am looking for consistency."
"The primary thing I am treated with respect and love; if I ever get involved again, i want it to be someone I truly can admire. Also, my ex was inactive, the church meant nothing to him. I want someone who has a testimony."
"Some one whom I can respect and honor their priesthood and some one who will respect me."
"He has to be a man of god, no drinking, no smoking, no drugs, church every week if he can due to work."
"Looking... not for who I can live WITH.. but who I can't live without!"
"More communication. Truly equal in decisions."
"Good father."
"I am looking for someone who's not perfect, but willing to admit their weaknesses and take responsibility for them. I want someone who's honest, vulnerable, respectful, and kind in every setting. I want someone who is willing to speak my love languages of service & quality time. I want someone who is willing to learn & grow together. And someone who will go to counseling even before we're married."
"AN honest man. Who is trully converted."
"Someone who wants to be married to me."
"TRUE COMMITTMENT TO THE CHURCH, SELFLESS NATURE, HONEST WITH ME."
"I MUST have attraction this time, no settling. I must be madly in love with him, can't live without him, want to be with him always, love to talk together, snuggle, and it would be really nice if he had some sensitivity to my needs. It comes naturally with most women to anticipate men's needs, but it would be nice to have a guy looking out for me too."
"I need someone who is more mellow."
"I'm looking for complete honesty and my best friend, but not hopeful he's out there."
"Good with my kids, steady job, good education, passion for life, motivation to make it through the hard times."
"That we both look out after each other. Work together. Service to each other isn't enough. You have to be friends, work together and actually enjoy being together."
"Making sure that he is mentally stable."
"I hope I'm looking for more eternally important qualities, characteristics in a potential partner."
"Mutual accountability. Healthy respect and kindness. Personally responsible. Live in integrity."
"Cherish the other person above all others and treat each other with love and respect."
"I want someone who is real, fun, intelligent, secure in who he is, who knows how to love and serve."

He will NOT have certain qualities

"He can't be involved with porn."
"Someone who is not self-absorbed, egotistical, selfish...."
"I will not marry someone who has bipolar disorder or any other personality disorder again."
"I avoid men with emotional problems. I have no interest in 'rescuing' anyone."
"I WILL LOOK FOR SIGNS OF HIS BEING A PERVERT."
"To not marry a dictator, to marry a man who respects me more and does not lie, does not cheat."
"Not currently looking...happy with my life, Grandkids and work..too many out there are involved in porn, gambling , drinking or premarital sex....i will wait for the millennium...one of the lost tribes or Teancum!"
"Not marrying a manipulative, controlling man who controls in the name of God and his "priesthood". I want to add that I am not anti-mormon. I am anti men who believe that living this particular religion gives them excess freedoms of prideful opinion and righteous indignation."
"THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN THAT THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE THEY HOLD THE PRIESTHOOD, THAT THEIR OPINION IS THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS IN A MARRIAGE. & WHEN ARE PREACHED OVER THE PULPIT THEY DON'T APPLY TO THEM, THEY ARE ABOVE THE LAW OF THE REST OF US."
"I would be passing a kidney stone while having pneumonia and my husband would still leave me with the kids and go to work, and expect to have dinner waiting for him when he came home. I want a husband who knows how to take care of me when needed."

I will recognize the red flags this time

WATCH OUT FOR THE RED FLAGS

"Paid more attention to red flags."
"I know the signs of abuse now, I won't fall for it again."
"Now I can spot a control freak, sociopath a mile away."
"I am all-too-ready to bail out on a relationship when I see red flags. That's good in a way, but I don't want it to be an obstacle in moving forward. At my age, about the only real candidate for me will be a widower. The divorced men in my age bracket, who are also church members, are generally not good candidates in any way. The men I meet who are not in the church are much better candidates, but back away when I draw the line about chastity before marriage. Fun life, here."
"On my first date with my ex, my instincts told me to run. I will follow those instincts next time and not let my intellect talk me out of it. He appeared to be such a good returned missionary. He was a con-artist of tall proportions."

Get involved in church Single's activities

"I have LDS singles friends groups in my age range on faceebook and can learn about all kinds of men and women this way wiothout being too close... I do not date now... and have not... but am learning slowly to get-to-know others and interact slow but sure... Learning to trust myself and love myself and care for myself is also ongoing but important. Seeking out only those that have LDs standards and a testimony and love for Christ is paramount... like mindedness in faith and ideas and feelings about things in this life and the life to come is very important. How they follow through with these things in their life and also in my life - to see if that could work together is important too... so what they say and what they do are more in harmony - with room for understanding - as I would want as well.."
" It is very difficult for the 45+ crowd. I find that many in that group have rebounded and failed in another marriage. It is increasingly difficult for them to trust or even extend themselves. At this point, I think I would be an excellent marriage partner, but meeting others, or even having men ask, is very difficult. I've tried singles sites, I have a facebook group with close to 300 members (2/3 women), I've gone to firesides and find them a terrible way to develop friendships, there are not a lot of avenues left. But I will keep open, pray for it daily, and keep trying new things."
"The Single's Ward and activities saved me. I made friends there and we got together often. I threw many parties at my place (from Academy Awards to General Conference to pot luck) and had built up a great support group. We struggled together and stuck together through break ups with boyfriends, to some getting married, and are healing together. I could not have had this kind of support in a family ward. The women all thought that I wanted their husbands and shunned me."
"The Single's arena in the church has many great activities and opportunities for worship together, and that added support that singles need. I highly recommend joining up with others who are in the same boat. There is a camaraderie being with those who know what it is like to have failed marriages, abusive/cheating spouses, who are struggling to make ends meet, sometimes while raising kids. No one else gets it. It's the only place you will find understanding."

Success stories

"I remarried twenty-one years ago to a widower who is emotionally healthy and I have been very happy in the relationship even though we have had major problems with the children of our combined family, that did not drive a wedge between us."

"I married a man much better than I am. A smart move on my part, and he makes me very happy."

"My forever husband is the complete opposite of the type of men I had dated in the past. I had always picked controlling, abusive men. My husband is SO GOOD to me. In 7.5 years of being married, he has never said an unkind criticism towards me. We have children now, and he has seen me through the worst and is still in love with me! Thank you, Heavenly Father, for encouraging that dirtbag ex of mine to leave me!!!! I would have held on to that marriage tooth and nail, and boy, did I try! So glad there were other forces watching out for me and my sealed, eternal family!! Thank you for this survey; it was very therapeutic to reflect and see how far I've come, and to remember how blessed I feel!!!"

"I have been remarried again for almost 18 yrs. He is a wonderful, secure man who has a deep testimony of the lord and loves me very much and is completely commited to our relationship. I have been very blessed!"

"I am one of the most happily married people that I know."

"I made sure I married a mentally stable man that made me a better person. Someone I hated to be away from, and someone that I could belly laugh with, and have great conversations with."

"I FOUND A GREAT HUSBAND WHO IS PERFECT FOR ME AND BRINGS OUT THE BEST IN ME INSTEAD OF MAKING ME MISERABLE EVERY MOMENT OF MY LIFE."

"I did find a wonderful man, to my utter astonishment, he passed all of my tests, we married over a year ago, and I have never been so happy in my whole life. I was told that there were good guys out there and did not believe it. I thought I'd live my life alone. Although, being single has not been NEARLY as lonely as being in a marriage with a selfish, unloving, manipulative, cheating man. Now, as miserable as I was, I am on the opposite side of the spectrum in happiness and love."

A CHANCE AT TRUE AND EVERLASTING LOVE

Other:

"Make sure to hug him everyday and tell him that I love him."
"Listen to the holy ghost. Realize that we each are who we are and will not be changing just to keep a relationship going."
"I am currently not ready to date but am working on making new friends and doing things as a single person--not just as a mom. Some things that I am looking at are: Pay attention to those promptings and signs that what they say doesn't match up to what they do."
"My ex husband was the bishop so I'm looking for ?"
"Not looking for "next relationship" yet waiting for my kids to leave home. It's too late in the game for me to bring a man to the house. I don't feel that it's fair to them."
"Though I do not feel the divorce was my fault, I still learned a great deal from it, and much more since joining the church, I am in a much better place to choose a spouse now, and a much better place to make it work."
"I waited to get divorced until my kids were all grown. It took a toll on my self-esteem and health. I don't know if I recommend it, I almost didn't survive. But my kids are firm in the gospel and are very emotionally healthy. But they did not support me in the split, though I am still loving them and they are coming around. I am looking for someone who has always been a good father, and who will be a good father-in-law to my children, and a good grandfather to my grandchildren. It is a family deal after all. He'd better love children this time."
"Not very hopeful."
"I wish I had a crystal ball to look into each man and see who he really is.....I'm tired of the fake churchy men who come to the Single's Ward just to find a wife. Most men just stop coming to church after a divorce, which tells me that they wouldn't go without a woman kicking him out the door. I want a guy who gets himself there for the right reasons."
"It's hard to have a relationship. When you work, and have your kids 24/7, it's hard to find time to date. I've done some Internet dating."
"Making sure my kids and I are ok and ready and that I have the Lord's permission to proceed."
"I'm really cautious of dating. My eyes are more open. My kids come first."
"I only trust God...not my choice in men."
"I don't know if I trust my taste in men, or won't be fooled again."
"Told him if he thought of leaving the church to be honest with me & not hide it until it's too late."
"I have had to move and completely start over somewhere new. I am making new friends to replace the ones I lost. I stay away from family wards, I have never been treated so badly. Even though he was the cheater. I have the 'D word' on my forehead and am not accepted anymore."
"To be honest, I don't date - don't receive interest. From the time of his infidelity/leaving/filing for divorce to the divorce being final was only five months. It all happened rather quickly. There wasn't truly an opportunity for working anything out, or really even knowing he wasn't happy in the marriage."
"It depends on who I meet. If I meet someone compatible, I may not need to change anything. If I meet someone who enjoys different things than I, I would try to enjoy those things too."
"I JUST DON'T FEEL HOPEFUL OF EVER BEING IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP."
"Reveiw my list on what is important to me and make sure he really loves my core being. Make a pre-marriage agreement and/ or counceling to include how you see finances spent, where you would like to live together.How you will blend the families. What the expectations are."
" The answer is no--I did not do everything I could to save the marriage. I could have saved the marriage the same way I did for years, being numb and living a joyless, empty life. I could have saved my marriage, but I would have lost myself forever. I had to choose, and I finally made the right choice."
"Advice for internet daters, talk for a long time before meeting, then only meet at a public place. The temple is a good place to start, find out if he has a current recommend. Stay away from his or your place. If he pushes to find a more intimate setting, don't fall for it. Too many of these guys want to get you in bed. Trust me on this!"

44. Do you feel like you did everything you could to save the marriage?

YES...........................................................................................89.8%
NO.............................................................................................10.2%

45. Overall, which social group in your life was the most helpful during/after your divorce?

(ranking from 1-very helpful, to 6-not very helpful)

____________1 extremely 2 very 3 somewhat 4 occasionally 5 seldom 6 never

Ward leadership.......13.0%........15.2%.........18.5%.............22.8%............9.8%.......20.7%

Ward membership.....5.4%.........15.2%.........28.3%............23.9%............18.5%.......8.7%

Friends......................28.3%........31.5%.......13.0%..............6.5%...............8.7%.......12.0%

Family.......................51.1%.......25.0%........12.0%..............5.4%..............5.4%..........1.1%

Home Teachers..........0.0%..........5.4%.........10.9%.............22.8%............34.8%......26.1%

Visiting Teachers.......2.2%..........7.6%.........17.4%.............18.5%............27.2%......27.2%

46. What state/country did you live in during the divorce?

Utah, California, Idaho, Washington, Colorado, New York, Texas, North Carolina, Ireland, Ohio, Oregon, Oklahoma, Florida, Illinois, Pennsylvania, Kentucky, England, New Zealand, Canada, Scotland, Europe.

CONTRIBUTORS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD

THE END

THANKS TO ALL WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THE SUCCESS OF THIS SURVEY. YOUR VOICE HAS BEEN HEARD.

PLEASE BECOME A FOLLOWER OF MY BLOG FOR LDS DIVORCE VICTIMS AT:
LDSDIVORCEVICTIMS.BLOGSPOT.COM.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO CONTRIBUTE TO THIS ONGOING STUDY, YOU WILL FIND IT AT: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/PDWF2KJ4LDSDIVORCEDWOMEN

FOR THE LDS MEN SURVEY: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/ZXJXZXQLDSDIVORCEDMEN.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

The Dynamics of Divorce in an LDS home from the Women's Perspective

QUESTIONS 1-45

19. DID YOUR WARD/STAKE CALLING CHANGE DURING/AFTER YOUR DIVORCE?

20. IF YOUR CALLING WAS CHANGED, WHAT IS YOUR OPINION OF THE

REASONING BEHIND THE CHANGE?

22. IF YOUR SPOUSE COMMITTED A MORAL CRIME AGAINST THE PRINCIPLES OF THE

CHURCH, WHAT IS HIS PRESENT STANDING?

A SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

QUESTIONS 29-36

29. LOOKING BACK, HOW WOULD YOU HAVE DONE THINGS

DIFFERENTLY DURING/AFTER THE DIVORCE?

A SMALL SAMPLE OF "COMMENTS:"

30. HAVE YOU SINCE REMARRIED?

31. DO YOU FEEL THAT YOU HAVE RECOVERED FROM THE

AFFECTS OF THE DIVORCE?

32. WHAT KIND OF SOCIAL SUPPORT DID YOU HAVE DURING/

AFTER YOUR DIVORCE OUTSIDE OF THE CHURCH?

A SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

33. DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU DISCOVERED WHO YOUR

TRUE FRIENDS WERE BECAUSE OF THE DIVORCE?

Yes........................................................................................77.5%

No.........................................................................................22.5%

34. HOW COULD YOUR FAMILY HAVE SERVED YOU BETTER

WHILE YOU WERE GOING THROUGH THIS TRIAL?

A SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

35. HOW COULD YOUR FRIENDS AND WARD MEMBERS HAVE

SUPPORTED YOU BETTER?

A SAMPLE OF "OTHER" COMMENTS:

36. DID THE DIVORCE SETTLEMENT REFLECT THE BEST

INTERESTS, SAFETY, FINANCIAL STABILITY OF THE

CHILDREN?

QUESTION 37

37. HOW COULD YOUR BISHOP HAVE SERVED YOU BETTER?

A SMALL SAMPLE OF COMMENTS:

NUMBER NINE ANSWER: "I wish he had more knowledge about abuse and manipulative behaviors"...2.22%

NUMBER TEN ANSWER: "He should not have advised me to stay in an abusive relationship.".............2.22%

NUMBER ELEVEN ANSWER: "It would help if counseling could be offered."...............................................2.22%

QUESTION 38

38. HOW COULD YOUR WARD LEADERS, VISITING/HOME

39. WHAT METHODS DID YOU USE IN YOUR EVERY DAY LIVING FOR SURVIVING

THE DIVORCE, AND FOR STARTING A NEW LIFE?

"KEEP YOUR PERSONAL COMMUNITY INVOLVED"

QUESTION 40

40. WHAT ADVISE WOULD YOU GIVE TO SOMEONE

NUMBER TWELVE ANSWER: "I would like to not be treated like a 'man-eater.'"...........................................1.46%

NUMBER THIRTEEN ANSWER:

"I would like it to have stayed private in the ward.".......................................1.46%

41. Did you and your spouse get counseling while you were married?

42. Looking back, do you regret getting a divorce and wish you could have worked it out instead?

43. What changes are you making in looking for your next relationship (if any)?

44. Do you feel like you did everything you could to save the marriage?

45. Overall, which social group in your life was the most helpful during/after your divorce?

(ranking from 1-very helpful, to 6-not very helpful)

46. What state/country did you live in during the divorce?

THE END

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NUMBER NINE ANSWER:

"I wish he had more knowledge about abuse and manipulative behaviors"...2.22%

NUMBER TEN ANSWER:

"He should not have advised me to stay in an abusive relationship.".............2.22%

NUMBER ELEVEN ANSWER:

"It would help if counseling could be offered."...............................................2.22%

NUMBER TWELVE ANSWER:

"I would like to not be treated like a 'man-eater.'"...........................................1.46%